My name is Lauren and I’m here to party. That’s been my motto for the last two weeks or so. I’m pretty notoriously a non-drinker, and someone who likes to be asleep by 11 on a Saturday night, but something is happening where I don’t want to be isolated in my condo. I don’t want to be asleep, and I want to drink tequila. I want to be social. And I want to have all the fun.

It’s like all the partying that didn’t happen for me in college and early twenties is catching up to me. It has been really fun to hang with my sis and actually have weekend-let-loose experiences, and I am really tired… Send help. And Thai Food.

Alas, today is Monday, which means it’s blog day. My FAVORITE day of the week.

Today’s blog is going to be about when we’re just not feeling that sexual. It’s come to my attention there’s a perception of me that I just LOVE sex all the time and I’m a wild, horny, shewolf 24/7. While that is true lots of the time (lol), sometimes I have no sexual desire. I’ll do sex-hiatuses where I hide from men and just dive into whatever I’m doing. Sometimes I don’t masturbate for a whole week by accident. It just happens. I wrote about my most recent sex hiatus, and you can read more here. What I do find important, however, is keeping sexual energy alive inside ourselves on a consistent basis.  

During 1:1 Private Sessions with my clients, it’s really common for folx to not feel very sexual. In other cases, they are really sexually driven, but they have a partner that isn’t. Sometimes, clients might want to have sex, but struggle feeling sexy. I’m going to offer some tips on how to get your holistic sexual energy flowing. Tips on how to amp up that desire. These tips can of course help your interpersonal sex life, but even more so, they will help your intrapersonal sex life.

Before we begin, I’ll remind you that it’s okay to feel like you’re not super horny. It’s okay to feel like you don’t really have much of a sexual appetite. It’s okay to feel a little “off”. While all of that is okay, it is important to invigorate your sexual center regardless of whether or not you want to have sex. It’s important because your sexual energy is also your creative energy. And just like other centers of our body (crown, third eye, communication, heart, solar plexis), it’s so important to be in alignment with our sacral and root. As a bonus, it feels really really good to invigorate the most intimate parts of ourselves!

Think about when you’re feeling sexual. You likely feeling a little bit primal. A little bit warm, a little bit tingly, a little bit oomph, boom, pow. Like you’ve got a cape of heat on you and you’re throbbing and craving some kind of release.

When we don’t feel sexual or sensual, we are typically really comfortable, in go-go-go phase, going through big changes, or experiencing difficulty in our relationship or with ourselves. Bottom line, when we’re not feeling sexual, we’re typically in a situation where sexuality is chillin’ at the bottom of our importance list.

First and foremost: THAT IS OKAY. And… THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE. You’re not alone in this lil drought and this won’t be the last time it happens.

In our culture, sexuality is most commonly linked directly with penetrative sex, but I’m not even talking about that here. I’m giving you tips on how to increase your sexual energy in general. In fact, many of these tips don’t even have to do with your genitals. When we incorporate these practices for ourselves, others in our lives benefit too. Let’s dive in

  • Turn on music and dance your heart out

Any type of dance will do, but try to move your ass and your hips to activate your core. Obviously, your sexual center is between your hips, so moving that part of your body with intention is a wonderful way to wake up that area. I encourage you to place your hands on your hips, or hold your lower abdomen and appreciate how you move. How your body feels. If you’re the kind of person that is thinking I can’t dance while you’re reading this, I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. If you’re living in an able body, and can move, you can dance. Dancing doesn’t mean you have to have rhythm. It just means you have to let loose and allow yourself to flow with whatever beat you hear in your head.

Of course you can dance with a partner, or at a party, or at a concert, but to activate your sexual center, I’d suggest that you blast your favorite music, and dance alone. Just go for it. Not only will this awaken your sexual center, but it will also get your blood flowing. Which leads me to tip 2.

  • Exercise

Boo. You whore! Why would you tell me that I have to do this? I’m telling you this because getting your blood pumping gives you something that you just can’t get from being stagnant and stale all day. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that exercise is a big part of my life. Not necessarily for aesthetics, but because I feel like I’m dying if I don’t intentionally move my body. I loose my excitement and energy if I forego exercise, and I’ll bet that you do too. Whether you realize it or not.

It’s amazing how easy it is to tie exercise with some kind of goal, or aesthetic desire. If that fuels you, great. If it makes you feel like shit about yourself, not so great. I urge you to see moving your body as something you’re doing to feel the best you can inside your body, and to keep that beautiful body of yours a well-oiled machine. Walking the dog for a little longer, taking the stairs, parking far away from the store, going for a walk before breakfast or after dinner, taking your bike out and exploring a new part of town. All of those count as exercise, and don’t have to be a dreadful part of your living experience. Increased blood flow doesn’t just go to your biceps, it goes to you woohoos too.

  • Masturbate

Especially if you own a vulva, like Nike, just do it. I cannot emphasize the importance of this tip. So many women that I coach do not masturbate at all, and don’t know how to tell their partners what they like. This is not their fault! It’s the fault of shitty sexual education and a society that makes masturbation an expectation for boys and shameful for girls. We denounce that here. I’m practically begging you to make self-pleasure part of your routine no matter your relationship status. Orgasms have such massive health benefits and feel so good when we’re stressed. Even if you’re in a relationship, having some alone time to get down with yourself is a must. Hop online, purchase a little toy for yourself, and get exploring. If you’re feeling really eager, masturbate in the mirror. Here’s a guide I wrote on that for you.

I know there’s a large emphasis right now on sex-toys, but if you want to just use your hand, that’s beautiful too. Depending on your anatomy, your knowledge of your body, and your hand’s abilities, it may take you much longer to achieve orgasm, but it’s likely worth it. Delicious.

  • Touch your body with intention

When you’re showering, bathing, applying lotion, getting dressed, etc, slow down and notice the way your hands feel on your own body. Take note of areas where you can shower yourself with affection. Breathe, and squeeze areas that you may harp on. Send love to those areas. When I get out of the shower, I use Amber Bath’s Shea Butta Frappe while my body is still wet. Because it takes a little work to massage it into my skin, I take that time to thank each part of my body as I apply it. You can actually use code SHEWOLFLAUREN for a discount on your whole Amber Bath order if you want to try this miracle butta. Soft skin, self-love, support small business, yes please.

Side note: I recently realized that while I masturbate almost daily, I barely ever just hold my vulva in my hand. People with penises tend to hold/touch their dicks all the time, but I rarely hear of vulva owners holding their vulvas. It feels so nice to have my whole self in my hand like that. I’ve been incorporating that while I shower, or taking time to hold her when I masturbate, or when I’m naked throughout the day… even if it’s not sexually. If you’re home chilling while you’re reading this, over or under your pants, just hold your vulva. Take note of how it feels.

  • Calm your mental and physical space

I recently wrote about sexifying your space, and went into a bit more detail. For this post, I’ll say this… what you surround yourself with matters. So for the love of God, clear out your clutter, wash your sheets, turn off the lights, light some candles, and breathe. We don’t even have to call it meditation if that’s too much for you. Inviting calm into your life means inviting time to be present. To listen to your body. To your heart. To your spirit.

When you’re taking time to breathe, send energy and light to your pelvis region. Think about yourself engaging in sexual acts, notice how your body feels, notice the way your attention changes.

So many of us are out of touch (literally and metaphorically) with ourselves that it’s no wonder we struggle with our sexual identities and desires. It’s our responsibility to know ourselves. Nobody can come do that work for us.

For intentional breathing/meditation, I really love the Insight Timer App. I just use the timer feature because I have dialed in a meditation practice that works for me, but they have amazing tools to help beginning meditators and beyond. It’s free, and its functionality is very intuitive.

Okay, that’s plenty to incorporate to activate your sexual energy. I encourage you to implement these practices when you’re feeling super in touch with your sexy side, or when you’re not. Regardless of your relationship status, and regardless of your anatomy. These practices ultimately bring us into the present moment, which is the cornerstone of a fulfilling relationship with ourselves and others.

I love you all, and I hope this helps. I know these practices have changed my life. Let me know what you think in the comments below.

xo -Lauren

To schedule 1:1 Private Sessions with me, click here. We can talk more about how to improve your sexual confidence with a plan that’s custom to you.

I’m now hosting LIVE! interviews about sex, sexuality, and relationships each week @thesexden. Make sure you’re following us there for uninhibited conversations. It’s a real blast.

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