Please raise your right hand and repeat after me: “I (insert name here), will stop faking orgasms. I know that it does no good for me, my partner, or the random person I’m sleeping with that now thinks he’s a King in bed.”
Whew! Thank you! Now that that’s out of the way… let’s talk about why we fake orgasms, why we must stop doing this, and how to stop doing this.
I’d like to start by saying that I faked orgasms during sex from the ages of 16-22. SIX YEARS too long. Then I kind of hap hazardly faked orgasms until I was around 25, even though I felt terrible about it! By the time I was 22, I was such a pro at faking that I was sleeping with someone for 2 years before I finally told him that I was faking it. Let me tell you, that conversation was SO MUCH more awkward than if I had just been straight up from the start. (If you’d like more on this, tell me in comments.)
I (along with SO MANY other women) fake it for a multitude of reasons.
Here are 10 of them:
1. We want our partners to feel good about their performance
2. We think it takes too long for us to orgasm
3. We don’t know how to orgasm
4. We feel nervous telling our partner what feels good for us
5. We want sex to be over faster
6. We get caught up in the moment
7. Orgasms don’t come as easily as it looks in porn
8. We don’t want to disappoint our partners
9. We want to feel sexy
So here’s the thing: faking orgasms may not seem like that big of a deal in the moment, but sis, it’s such a big deal. You’re slapping yourself in the face, your partner in the face, and other women in the face when you do this.
First, let’s talk about you. When you fake an orgasm, your partner thinks he/she is doing the most, and you’re loving it! While you might love it, when you fake an orgasm, you’re depriving yourself of:
1. An orgasm
2. Communication about your pleasure
3. The opportunity to have better sex
4. Your truth
My focus with this blog is mainly about you. I want you to experience pleasure, to feel confident in bed, and to feel confident in your own skin, vagina included. As such, most of this post focuses on you.
Second, let’s talk quickly talk about your partner. Your partner thinks that sideways rear entry move is really doing it for you, and guess what? They love it too! So they’re going to do that again next time and the time after that. Instead of allowing the sideways rear entry move to continue with no finish in sight, just don’t fake it. A move can still feel really good without you faking an orgasm.
If this is a long-term partner, we can see where lots of problems may come up. If and when you do finally tell them that you’re faking it, the conversation may not exactly be pleasant because they feel really embarrassed at this point, or feel like you’ve been lying (you have been). I am here to say I still think this conversation is important. It takes a lot of courage, but there is no time like the present to be real with yourself and your partner. If you’re with someone who cares about you, the outcome of this will be a growth experience in the long run.
I don’t suggest texting a one-night-stand and saying “by the way, I didn’t really cum last night” unless you’re feeling empowered as fuck and he was a douche anyway…
Third, other women. This one is important for our feminist sisterhood. When you fake orgasms, you give men (I say men because lesbian lovers are notorious for being terrific and very pleasure focused) an inflated sense of ego. They go around expecting other women to cum really easily with the same move. We’ve all been with someone who thinks they’re way better in bed than they really are. We didn’t mean to, but that’s probably either due to him being a loser, or women all over the world have faked it and he now thinks he’s an orgasm King. Either way, no bueno. Let’s not do that anymore.
So, I hope I have convinced you that you must stop faking it. Now you’re like: Cool, I’m convinced. What do I do now? Keep reading à
Here’s how to finish like a champ:
1. Do not under any cirCUMstance fake it. If you feel like you’re going to fake it, hold that shit back like a public sneeze during the corona virus pandemic. JUST DON’T BECKY OKAY.
2. If your partner is saying things like: “Cum for me baby” “Are you close?” “Are you going to cum like a good girl?” “Are you finishing yet?” You can say a few things in a sexy but firm way:
-I’ll let you know when I’m close
-When I’m alone, I cum like this (show the move)
-“Shhhhhhhh” (lol, but this can be hot especially if you use your pointer finger on your mouth or your partner’s)
-You’re so sexy, but it’s not going to happen for me this time
3. Masturbate. Know how to make yourself cum. This is how I was able to finally stop faking. I just learned what I liked. I realized that I was faking it because I didn’t truly know how to make it happen. Once I mastered my own anatomy, the pleasure really began!
4. Work on your communication. If you’re with a long-term partner, try discussing sex over drinks or dinner. Express what you like out of the bedroom, and then it’s easier during the heat of the moment.
5. Ample pre-sex fun is a good thing too.
6. Read the book Come As You Are with your significant other (wouldn’t recommend for a 1 night stand… too lengthy).
7. As much as possible, take the pressure off yourself. I noticed that when I was having sex, I’d tell my partner “I’m going to cum” and then something would happen where I’d talk myself out of it and then I wouldn’t. I’d feel like a liar, so I’d just fake it. I realized that I was putting too much pressure on myself before the orgasm when I’d say that, so I stopped saying it ahead of time. Instead, I started saying “I’m cumming” when it was actually happening, so my partner knew, and I could still be vocal (that’s my thing, but doesn’t have to be yours… obviously).
8. Please leave additional ways in the comments. This is a goddamn community effort.
Here are some additional things I want you to know:
-Orgasms can take WAY longer than you think. That’s o fucking kay.
-Your face may look like a twisted werewolf when you cum. That’s what’s supposed to happen
-The sounds you make may not be like angels singing from the heavens. Sometimes demons emerge. Sometimes people cry. Sometimes no sound happens at all. No expectations here. (Your partner will still think this is hot as hell.)
-You’ll feel so much better after a true orgasm than when you work yourself up into a faking catastrophe
-Sometimes it’s just not going to happen. Women are so much more contextual when it comes to cumming. We can have a hard time getting off for a variety of different reasons, and I think it’s important for our partners to know that. Especially if you’re sleeping with someone often. Jobs happen. Kids happen. Family stuff happens. Sometimes orgasms just don’t. And that’s okay. Try to turn down the pressure.
-You’re worthy of having wonderful and pleasure filled sex.
If you’re having trouble orgasming, or you’re faking it until you make it, I am not shaming you. This is all part of our sexual journey and it’s all okay. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and there is always time to improve your sex life. It’s not a hopeless endeavor.
Sending you so much love and pleasure,
Cumming clean to my partner after 3 years was empowering AF. Once the initial upset was over, he took on the challenge with joy and I learned that my sexual needs *are* important. Sex is so much better, so much hotter and sometimes I cum, sometimes not but it’s always more enjoyable than before. Thank you for writing a blog, I really enjoy reading them. 😊 💖🔥
Yes! I’m so so glad you were able to have that talk! It feels so good to say what we need!
I need to hear the rest of this story about your Pat tener of 2 years. Bravo. Thanks for sharing 🖤🖤 def learned a few things I didn’t know before.
Okay! I’ll write about it!