Hello my lovely thunderstorms!
I hope you’re doing well and that the extra hours of sunlight are doing your body right. I know that I’ve been absolutely LOVING it. For me, more light and blooming flowers brings a sense of new beginning and possibility. I just love that!
I’ve had an eventful couple of weeks and I’m feeling very alive and refreshed. I had an eye opening and heart opening (more like blasting) experience last weekend in Austin. It took me nearly a week to recover, but I’m BACK and feeling fantastic. Did I mention that I’m feeling stellar? Did I?
So during my 1:1 Private Coaching Sessions, something has been coming up for many of my clients and I’ve decided to write about it today.
This topic has historically made me squirm and feel tight in my chest, nauseous even. As I’ve guided my clients toward their truth in this space, it’s helped me unravel why I’ve been so uncomfortable initiating sex.
For some of you, this will seem like a non-issue. You feel sexually confident during dating experiences, and if you’re in a relationships, you and your partner, for the most part, are on the same page about sex. You communicate your needs with ease, and have a great tempo. That’s fabulous! I’m so excited for you.
For others, for LOTS of others, initiating sex can feel crippling. Like there’s no way you can do it, or you’re going to have a heart attack. (Side note: What you’re experiencing may not be this dramatic, but for me, the tension between wanting to have sex and not knowing how to initiate it did feel like an internal disaster).
As a woman with a very high sex drive, it’s been my experience that I want to have more sex than my partners. That’s lead me to lots of sexual rejection, which diminished my sexual confidence. After these experiences with rejection, I’d usually feel one of two ways:
- I’m expecting too much from my partners, and that’s annoying and needy.
- I’m undesirable.
Both of which aren’t true.
First, I have a high sex drive, yes, but I’m also accommodating and understanding. I just had partners that didn’t communicate like I did about their needs/desires/preferences. They liked a lot of novelty, and I enjoyed sex more for connection, orgasm, and exploration.
Second, I’m desirable and worthy of love, sex, and affection regardless of how often someone wants to have sex with me. Frequency isn’t a marker of my sex appeal.
I did a lot of work over the past few years to address this feeling of inferiority surrounding my sexual preferences, and am happy to say that I (for the most part) am in a really good place with my needs and not feeling shame about them. Here’s a post I wrote on 3 ways to get past rejection… I’d read that after this. I’ve gathered a few tips to help you get to a fulfilled place too.
The following are different examples of initiation scenarios. All of which, I personally have experienced. You are not alone!
Before I dive into these, I invite you to take note of how you feel when you read them. Writing them, my chest felt a little tight, as that’s where I hold lots of emotion and empathy.
Initiation Scenario 1:
Person A creates an exciting experience in their head for Person B. Person A gets horny thinking about this all day, and sets up a sexy experience for Person B when they get home from work travel. Person B, unaware of Person A’s fantasy, walks in the door after a long flight wanting nothing more than to take a shower and sleep and cuddle. Person A feels disappointed and rejected, Person B feels some guilt for not wanting sex in that exact moment, but feels grateful for the effort.
Initiation Scenario 2:
Person C lays in bed next to Person D feeling so horny. Person C wants to initiate sex, but doesn’t really know how, or is worried about rejection. Person C’s heart is racing out of their chest and they’re now talking shit to themself about what a chicken they are while simultaneously trying to gain courage and JUST DO IT. Person C decides to make the feeling pass by falling asleep just to wake up a little disappointed (and still horny). Person D has no idea this has happened.
Initiation Scenario 3:
Person E has been rejected by Person F so many times that Person E decides to never initiate sex ever again. Person E then feels unfulfilled sexually, perhaps even resenting Person F. Person F then feels lots of pressure to be the only one initiating sex. In addition, since Person E may now feel like they’re too horny, or something is wrong with them, and they’re disappointed that Person E isn’t initiating enough.
Initiation Scenario 4:
Person G approaches Person H in the kitchen while Person H is making dinner and starts kissing Person H’s neck. Person G whispers, “let’s turn off the burners and make our own heat” (hahahah I’m terrible at this, but imagine that it’s really hot and Person G is proud of their line). Person H explains that they’re starving and not in the mood at all, shooing Person G away. Person G understands and decides to shoot another shot later in the evening.
Alright, we now have 4 scenarios that are less than ideal for the initiator. In addition, all of these scenarios lack my specialty, communication.
In most of these scenarios, one person starts expecting something before confirming if the other person could be on the same page.
Before I give you some tips, I’d like to point out that it is not your partner’s responsibility to want sex exactly when you do every single time. It also would likely behoove you recognize that sex is as weird as it is fabulous and there are so many reason that a person may not be in the mood.
I write the above to you as a person that would take rejection as an insult, and proceed to be basically furious that my partner didn’t want to have sex EXACTLY when I wanted to. Because I feel like a wild animal when I’m horny, rejection felt like an affront to all of Mother Nature. God Damnit it’s feeling good to write this. Whew, I sure can be a wild little banshee. I love wild banshee Lauren, and I’m so glad she’s had a few ego deaths recently.
Alright wild banshee Lauren, my heart feels tense because one or more of the above scenarios resonated very deeply with me. What do I do now?
Today, I am painting in broad strokes because initiation has a lot to do with context and relationship specifics. If you’d like further guidance, I’m now offering 75-minute Intensives as my schedule allows, as well as my 12-Week Sexual Confidence & Personal Power Coaching Experience. Learn More Here.
Here are a few (just the) tips to initiate sex with more confidence:
- 1. If you’re struggling with just initiating in general, and you know your partner would like a little more effort from you, but you feel totally frozen when it’s time to do it, try to initiate other things in the relationship first. Examples of this could be:
- -When walking past your partner, squeeze their shoulder, or tap their butt. When you have an opportunity, sit closer to them, or on their lap.
- -Set up some candles and sexy vibes more regularly regardless of outcome.
- -Compliment them doing something that turns you on.
- 2. Try not to tell yourself stories about why your partner might be turning you down. Instead, either ask them why they don’t want to have sex (more blunt communication), or put yourself in their shoes. They likely have different turn ons, desires, needs. Instead of assuming anything, try to have conversations instead, so you can at least move forward with truth. If the idea of that conversation makes you sick, and you don’t know where to start, I can help you during a 1:1 Session(s).
- 3. Get clear about your wants and needs, so you can have those deeper conversations with partner, or future partners. I always say that it’s easier to speak your truth when you know what your truth it. Of course, we won’t always know exactly what we need before we speak, but it does help. For this, lets get quiet with ourselves and grab a journal. I like to breathe, think, and then write my desires in grave detail. I encourage you to do this without judgement of yourself. Know that no matter the frequency of sex you desire, it’s not weird. Sometimes your sex drive might be really high. Sometimes it might be lower. The important thing is that you get on a similar page with your partner, so you’re not feeling blllaaahhhh mcnasty.
- Try these prompts on for size:
- -When I feel horny, my body feels like:
- -When I feel horny and I want to initiate sex, I feel:
- -If I initiate sex and my partner doesn’t want to in that moment, I feel:
- -In my ideal world, my sex life would look/feel/be like:
- -I feel my sexiest when:
- -I like to have sex because:
- -Sex is important to me because:
- -A sexual experience I really loved with my partner was:
- -The kind of sex I want to call into my life is:
Once you’re more clear on these things, conversation with a partner, or while dating, will come more from a place of knowing the self and less from a place of:
I’m not good at seduction, or
I’m always rejected, or
I’m not desirable.
4. Try planning pleasure – Yes, this can feel triggering for people (especially if you went through it to conceive), but for many couples, this really does wonders. Having “pleasure hour” on your calendar can be so hot! I takes the pressure off of initiation, you can omit onions from your lunch salad, and maybe send a few sexts leading up to the grand occasion, perhaps get a new toy.
Before I sign off, a few things: Everyone has different sex drives/needs/preferences. You might be super horny after work, and your partner would rather die than have sex after work. Their lack of sex drive after work IS NOT a reflection of your desirability.
Additionally, if you’re really nervous to initiate, and your partner has given you the greenlight, perhaps saying, “I wish you’d initiate more”, this is your permission to just go for it. Just like all new things, it might seem so intimidating. I have news for you, no matter how long you wait, no matter how many times you go over it in your head, it won’t be perfect, and you might get rejected sometimes, yes. But other times, you might get laid, and you’ll feel pretty cool. Harness that personal power, baby!
I know we’re talking about initiation, but I think this is an important point to make as a blanket statement:
SEX MATTERS. SEX REALLY FUCKING MATTERS.
You’re not nuts. You’re not too much. You’re not needy or annoying. You’re also not rigid or the worst if you just have a lower libido. I’m a huge proponent of trying until you feel like you’ve exhausted all resources, and when it comes to your sex life, this is no different. You must speak your truth, and listen to your partner. If common ground feels like an eternity away, evaluate. Evaluate. Evaluate. One life in this body.
Sex is the fruit of humanity! It’s desert and the main course. Sex is supposed to be fun! Pleasurable! Exploratory! Likely a little weird! I encourage you to think about it in that way. It doesn’t have to be so serious.
Welp, my passion for this topic may never wane, so I must make a decision to end or I’ll go on forever.
Speaking of passion, it’s my greatest honor to guide clients on their sexual confidence and personal power journey. Click here to apply for my 12-week 1:1 Coaching Experience.
I love you, my pack! Ou! Ou! Ouuu!
Updates: This week, during Convos w/ Cami, my sister and I are discussing our experiences with initiation and how we’ve personally handled them. Come join us LIVE! @ 7:00pm PST.
Want more of me?
-Book a private call here
-Send me an e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
-Follow me on Instagram @shewolflauren