Hi, my name is Lauren and I’m human and I don’t have it all together.
This past month has been one of the most transformational of my whole life.
I did some MDMA with a new friend and had a massive ego death. Then, I had an enormous amount of anxiety, and then a total fucking breakdown and then a spiritual breakthrough from the heavens.
Like crying down on my knees and staring into my own eyes in the mirror and questioning my motives, my desires, my boundaries, basically my whole life. It sounds like a disaster, but I live for this shit, and I feel so alive.
This week in particular was very challenging and I realized that I have been struggling for the past 5 years with some very deep questions regarding my motivations and my sexuality. Without boring you with all the details, I’d just like to say that I’m in an epic self-learning, ego breaking, consciousness shifting, spirituality grasping, boundary creating phase of my life.
I’ve had a calling toward very deep self-work my whole life, so this isn’t new for me, but the depth of the breakthroughs are absolutely new. I think I bought my first crystal (a tiger’s eye) when I was 10, tried to be vegan at 11 (because of the energy I could feel from animals), and then I was on a mission to seek out the witchyest stores I could find so I could have all the things and learn all the spells.
Connecting with Mother Nature and with other beings and with myself has been a lifelong journey for me, and I’m happy to tell you all that amidst this chaos of a personal evolution I am also having, I am the happiest, and most confident I’ve ever been. Tapping into my own thoughts, having deep ass conversations with myself and surrounding myself with love and positivity helps.
But also FUCK THIS GROWTH SHIT IS HARD AND IT HURTS AND IT’S CONFUSING AND CLARIFYING ALL AT ONCE.
I say this all the time, but it’s worth stating again. Your sexuality is as much a part of you as breathing. It cannot be separated from the other self-work you do in your life. It’s part of the fabric that makes you you. You cannot just work on your body image issues and start meditating daily but then ignore the sexuality piece. Sexual self-work is vital. It just is. And I’m sticking to that.
So I’m telling you all of this because this self-growth phase has been very powerful recently, I’ve decided that during it, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE SEX for a while. I don’t have a specific timeline. It just doesn’t feel right for me to have other humans inside my body right now while I’m trying to be really inside my body. There isn’t room for all of us.
At the end of the day, sex really is an energetic exchange of varying magnitudes, and while I often find it healing in many ways, right now, it’s a no from me. I am filling myself up before I invite others to fill me up. Hahah so many fill up jokes here, but I digress.
I’m going to give you some insight to a very personal part of me because I want to. Maybe it will help you realize that perhaps your confusion around sex is not so “crazy” or we’re both “crazy” and that’s cool too. My sex brain goes like this, and always has… I’m just better able to articulate it now:
1. I want adventurous sexual experiences and want to be open to all the thangs (most of the time, I am)
2. I want to like all of the thangs (kink world, swinger world, poly world, bi-world, butt stuff world, one-night-stand world, people who aren’t my usual type world, and the list goes on world).
3. I want to exclusively have sex with people I connect with on a soul level (eliminates most humans entirely, at risk of having sex with my dildo for the rest of my life).
4. I project very sexual energy (natural state) and then feel guilty if someone picks up on it and then I don’t want to act on it, so I sometimes put my boundaries behind my guilt and act on it (no bueno for my heart). This might make no sense for anyone but me, but alas this is my blog, and so here we are.
5. I need wieners and orgasms NOW and as long as you’re hot, and have good breath, and are mobile, come over.
Sooo.. depending on where I am mentally, lots of this gets confusing and hazy and that’s all cool! Our sexual palates are never going to just stay the same. It’s a gradient, peeps. What’s exciting for me is the part where I can articulate it, and take a break from it.
So, while I have been exploring all of this, I just straight up haven’t had sex for over a MONTH*. A sex hiatus if you will. That’s unheard of for me. Like, what? No. Also, I went a whole week without even masturbating. Of course, when I realized that, I almost broke all of my vibrators (and my hand for that matter), by having a god damn masturbation marathon. Took me a day to recover. Hahahaha
*Note: Do not compare yourself with me right now. For me, a month is a long time. I have the sex drive of a large testosterone laden militia. If for you, a month with no sex is normal, that’s wonderful! I’m speaking from my experience and my frame of reference. There’s nothing wrong with you if you differ.
So, what’s the point of this whole transparent written public unraveling of a journal entry? Well, I want you to know that it’s okay to just not have a sex drive, or sex sometimes while other things take precedent. It’s okay to take time for you whether that be a week, or a month, or a year. I encourage orgasms, and staring at yourself naked, but you don’t have to share that space with another person (yes, even if you’re in a relationship).
Your body (all of it) is YOURS at the end of the day, and if you need some time, there’s no need to force it. Work on it, yes. Force it, no.
I know that many of you see me as a constantly horny empowered ass woman that has her sex sheit figured out. I am that, but I too struggle sometimes. I too question my sexual desires and frequency and partners and motivations. I think it’s healthy. I feel great, tbh.
Right now, it feels really really good to just be alone in my body. I feel at home. And I feel in control. That’s cool. And fun. And I also can’t wait to have some bomb ass sex again when I feel like it. Yasssss! Let’s be real, this sex hiatus will likely be brief. After all, I’m Shewolf Lauren not Shewolf Cobweb.
Got a few hotties lined up post intense ass spiritual awakening, so I’m curious to see how the physical experience goes after all this woohoo work I’ve been doing. I’ll keep ya’ll in the loop cuz we’re cool like that.
Alright, I love you all. Thank you for being here. I have a HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT next week and can’t wait to share my new adventure with you. It means the world to me to have you here and I’d really appreciate it if you follow me on @shewolftalks on Instagram! I want to hit 1k followers by next week! Will you help me?
Anybody else taking a sex break? Let me know in the comments below!