Hi! Happy December you gorgeous specimens. I’m so happy to have you here, and to be in the last month of 2020.
Toward the end of the year, I always feel a little bit nostalgic. I’m an avid journaler, and I go back to read what the year held for me. As I flip through the pages, I love to see my daily struggles, joy, and overall growth. I’ve started reading about my 2020 and WHOA. What a year, folks.
I know many of you feel similarly. Though this has been very tough for very many, one thing I’ve heard over and over again is how 2020 put lots into perspective. I’ve seen and heard about break-ups, new unions, businesses closing and opening, lots of moving, lots of introspection. I think life only hands us what we can handle, and we have all handled so much.
Take a moment right now to literally take a deep inhale. Hold it for 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Deep exhale. Now wrap your arms around yourself and say out loud, if even it’s a whisper, “I love you.” Come back here whenever you need a moment of self-love and grounding.
P.S. I love you too.
Last week’s post was A LOT. That was the theme, remember? I want to give you a little update.
After I wrote to you, I felt this enormous sense of relief. Like I released the emotion I was feeling, and was able to really come to grips with what was actually going on in my heart. I thought about deleting the post many times because several aspects of it felt over the top vulnerable to me, but I decided to leave it put for now.
Love is metal. It can be confusing. It can be so raw. It is every piece of us. I believe that love heals and that opening our hearts to each other, and allowing ourselves to be seen is so important. So here I am. Being seen. I encourage you to do the same, in any way that feels right for you.
Further, being seen by you all helped me to feel so much better. I feel terrific in fact. Whew. I’ll likely write a blog entry in the future about how to break up ethically and beautifully. It can be done. My parents were proof of that. My breakup with Jason was proof of that. So many other breakups I’ve seen are proof of that.
Alright, let’s get to the topic of the week. This is a bit of a spin-off from last week because overall, breakups and being single are great times to re-evaluate our lives and start fresh. I love this! So let’s talk about it:
Step 1: A breakup happens for one of about a million reasons, but ultimately, some type of irreconcilable incompatibility occurs.
Step 2: It’s usually heavy and sad as fuck. Doesn’t matter if you’re the one doing the breaking up, if it’s mutual, or if you’re being broken up with.
Step 3: (the most important part): You start to live your life as a single person. Depending on your age, your desires, your sex drive, your need for companionship, your timeline, the complexity associated with your breakup, etc… this can look different for everyone. This is the step we’ll focus on today.
During number three, you’re allowed to mope and cry and call all your peeps to discuss your sadness/anger/whatever you’re feeling. My suggestion is get it all out, and allow yourself to heal from the breakup, but also, start the internal work of healing you so you don’t bring your same bullshit into your next relationship.
This wolfpack is not about bringing bullshit baggage from one relationship to the next. That is toxic, and no bueno, so we’d rather not. Right?
Here are some things that really work for me and for others during this phase:
1. Own your responsibility for the relationship ending. There is always responsibility on both sides. Even if you were cheated on, that probably isn’t the only reason the relationship ended. You probably let a lot of red flags go before the incident. Your intuition was probably like, “whoa dude… this doesn’t feel right” long before infidelity took place. Maybe you weren’t your truest self either, and it’s time to see and own that. You are responsible too. Tick tock. Time to own it. If you’re mad at me right now, I’m okay with that.
2. Explore new shit. I’m talking new ways to drive to work. New ways to do your nails. Download a language learning app. Explore new books. Try new wine. Sky-dive. Make a new recipe. Start dancing in your home in your underwear. Pull an all nighter. Get into a new Netflix series with your best friend. Have sex with someone you meet in the cereal isle at the grocery store!
Okay, maybe the last one is too far??, but the point I’m trying to make is you need to have some new experiences and new stories so you’re not stuck in heartbreak city. You know… that place where you only have stories, people, places, and things that remind you of your former partner? Yeah, we’ve all been there and it’s dreary. DREARY.
Do some shit that you really wanted to do while you were in a relationship, but maybe put on the back burner. Instead of frantically attaching yourself to a new relationship immediately, try on self-care/ self-love for size. Wear lingerie for you. Learn to meditate. Move your body. Take sexy photos just to have them on your phone. Masturbate every single second. Learn something new that takes some time… a new language, a new game, new workout style. Go on some dates. Take an online class. Start a business. Start looking inward so you can head on over to number 3.
Time to create your new, single and thriving narrative, which brings me to number 3.
***Oh! Wait, before I move on… stop stalking your ex and their potential new partners. It can be addicting. You might want to do it SO DAMN BAD. You might feel the urge, the itch, the mutha fxn NEED to look at stories of all his/her friends, to check tagged images, to create burner accounts. But I, Lauren, am personally begging you not to do it. Have you ever once stalked an ex/ ex’s new life and been like, “Wow… I feel so much better now? My day is now stellar and I am so happy?” NO. NNNAAWWWW. If you’re really struggling with this, block their ass. Or mute them. But I suggest a good BLOCK until you feel ready, if ever, to see their life with less of a burning fury in the future.
3. Write down what you’re looking for in an ideal relationship/partner. I find that so many peeps end up in relationships that don’t suit them because they don’t know what they’re looking for or how they want to be treated. Of course some of this is expected, as we’re always learning about ourselves and evolving. But make sure that you’re actually doing the learning/evolving part, and not repeating toxic patterns because you don’t want to be alone. I’m not suggesting that you write a strict list of physical attributes that you want a person to have (although you can as a bonus). Rather, write how you want to feel in a relationship. Secure? Snuggly? Seen? Heard? Affirmed? Challenged? Equal? Loved? Trusted? Passionate? What do those things look like for you? Once you know more about what you’re wanting in a partner, you can communicate this with yourself, with the universe, and with your future partner. How wonderful!
4. Write down what you’re looking for in YOURSELF! Of course we can’t forget about ourselves. We must also think about and write down what we bring into a relationship. What do we have to offer the world and a future partner? How do you show up for the person you love? How do you treat others? Where are your strengths? It’s nice to write these down because you can remind yourself how wonderful you are during a time where you might feel like ass. This step will also illuminate where you can grow so we can graduate to numero cinco.
5. Go back to numbers 3 & 4 and notice gaps. Where are you not showing up for you? Where can you heal, explore, repair so that you are able to manifest this wonderful relationship? So that you can show up as the best version of you? Focus here. Do the work. Show up for you when you’re single and beyond because you’re the only one that can. Open your heart, and allow yourself to love you and let love in.
The wonderful thing is this: You don’t have to want a new relationship right now. You might want to be a boss for a while and have sex with everyone in your condo complex (clearing throat noise). You might want to focus on you and grow your business and travel. You’re allowed to do that. You can do the exercise above even for one-night stands or fuck buddies. Still know how you want to be treated. Knowing that, and not really swaying from it, is a great way to be in tune with yourself and the world around you.
Do you feel like you’re winning at being single AF yet? I do!
A few other reminders:
-Trust the timing of your life. You broke up for a reason. You’re single for a reason. This is a GIFT BABE. It might feel like a piece of coal, but coal helps to start fires. So boom. Coal is still a gift. Trust this chapter of your life. If they’re still the person for you, there will be more time for you in the future. If they’re not, there won’t be. Trust in the universe and the process.
-Get comfortable being silent and alone. It’s wonderful to know yourself, and to get comfortable being alone for periods of time. Before my sister met her husband, she would take herself out on solo dates every week. She wouldn’t take out her phone, she wouldn’t be scrolling. She’d just go, eat, people watch, and enjoy herself. I loved that! How wonderful.
-You teach others how to treat you. If you want to be a hoe for a while, that’s one thing. But if you allow men or women to treat you like trash and then go sleep with them on a Friday, when you feel vulnerable and alone, you’re hurting yourself in the long run, and signaling to yourself and the universe that you welcome that yuck energy into your life. No bueno babe. For more on this, go watch Bridesmaids. Annie makes us feel sad when she’s sleeping with the hot, wealthy man at his beck and call. Allow Annie to teach us. Be the Annie that’s with the dude that fixes her taillights and makes her breakfast. Not the Annie that’s used in rotation with other women when she really wants more connection.
-Keep in touch with yourself. What interactions make you feel great? What interactions make you feel not great? Again, once you learn this, you can communicate about it. There’s so much power in that. This can take time to get to trust yourself again. That’s why you need this single phase to happen.
Okay, Yay! You’re on your way to winning being single! Obviously, when you’re ready to date and have fun, we’re in the midst of a pandemic, so give yourself a little slack. Your time will come! I can just sense your power and your hot future twin-flame sex billowing in the wind. I’m rooting for you!
Being single is exhilarating and fun if we allow it to be. What a treat to get to learn about ourselves. To heal from our sheit. And to express what we want to the universe anew.
If this post set you on your ass because you’ve realized that you have no idea what you want or who you are, that’s okay. You don’t have to know right now. Set the intention to better know yourself and move toward that. Write who you’d like to be. I guarantee that person is already inside you. Let that person bubble surface. Xo
I love you,
Lauren
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