This post was first shared on June 1, 2023 from Temecula, California as part of my monthly Love Letter series. It’s my favorite piece that I’ve written to date.
I’ve decided to slowly share the love letters here on my blog. If you’d like to receive these letters straight to your inbox and in real time, Subscribe here.
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June 1, 2023
—From My Heart to Yours—
My name is Lauren and I’ve had too much coffee — one shot of espresso.
I’m writing to you today from the comforts of my favorite coffee shop in Temecula, California where they serve lattes in green glass water cups. At first I hated that; I’ve now grown to love it.
I find myself always wanting to ask how you have been. How have you been?
I’ve been really good. Actually, I’ve been great, and I think I’m trending upward.
Since I last wrote, I’ve returned from a dream trip to Costa Rica, stayed for two weeks in La Jolla, got a summer cold, recovered, hung out a bit with my mom, and had my best friends fly in for a Memorial Day weekend full of fun.
Camille and I finished up Season 5 of The Den Mothers Podcast with an episode about sacred masturbation. I shared a lot of magic that I typically only share with my clients. You can listen to that episode here.
Shane and I are on our last leg of what seems to be an endless nomadic adventure over the past two years. After our 3 week house-sitting stint at my mom’s, we will be driving our pretty little asses up the coast to move to the state of Washington (insert shocked ghost emoji).
Matters of the Heart
Sending these love letters to you gives me an amazing opportunity to reflect on the previous month. When I sat down to write this letter, it was obvious that my most impactful conversations this month were about love— specifically, romantic love.
I talked about love with my mentor.
I talked about love with my best friend, Ellen.
I wrote a chapter for my upcoming book about love.
I received the most beautiful love poem from Shane (yes, you’ll get to read it).
I’m reading a book about loving during heartbreak.
I love love.
And I’m mystified by it.
And I couldn’t always feel it like I do now.
How confusing it always was.
I have believed for a while that we are here to open ourselves to love. That we’re here to soften. To lean into the unknown and let love lead us. It’s a constant practice. It can be really difficult.
This letter is less of a life update and more of a blog post that I’m sharing with you, my e-mail lovers, first. Let’s dive in.
I wanted our souls to intertwine
For most of my life, I wanted to find the man who would be my husband. I would imagine the way we’d be together. I imagined that we’d laugh and hold hands. I imagined that I’d be supported during hardship. I imagined having nourishing sex, and romantic simple evenings together. I imagined growing old with someone and dancing in the kitchen. Most of all, I imagined a look of adoration on his face when he’d look into my eyes.
I wanted a deep and rich and soulful experience. I wanted my heart to feel safe and held. I wanted to feel wild and free to be me.
Most of all, I wanted this man to see my depths and love me unconditionally as long as I held our love sacred too.
In so many words, I imagined fully entangling my soul with his.
Of course, I wouldn’t have been able to articulate these things. That would be terrifying. What if I never found it? What if he never found me? What if I had to settle? What if I ended up alone?
If I admitted what I wanted, I feared I would die if I didn’t receive it.
I FEARED I WOULD DIE IF I DIDN’T RECEIVE IT.
Time and time again, I was disappointed by the men in my life. I wanted them to want me. I wanted them to think I was cool. Anything my heart wanted came second to my desire for them to choose me. In that desire, I’d lose myself.
I’d look for qualities in a man that didn’t feel like love, but rather, checked boxes.
Degrees, sexual attraction, looks, careers, and usually, someone that made me feel a little like shit about myself. Someone that taught me that just me wasn’t enough. I entered into these relationships with my head. Not with my full body and certainly not my full heart. I didn’t even know that was available.
By the time I was 28, I had been convinced that any man I fell for would tell me that they wanted me… and lots of other women too. I’d chalk this up to a sign of the times. That some form of open relationship was more evolved. That I would be crazy to just want one man. That it would be a sign of emotional unenlightnenment and immaturity to desire sacred union with just one other.
I found myself curious what it was about me specifically that my boyfriend loved…”What is it about me that you love specifically? What is it about me that is irreplaceable in your eyes? What is it about ME that feels like YOUR woman? Why do you choose to spend your time here with me?”
I wanted to know.
I wanted to know.
I wanted to know.
More importantly, I wanted to feel special. My heart wanted to feel safe in the sacred connection.
It didn’t feel safe, and so I’d overthink and overanalyze myself into absolute oblivion.
I remember asking the aforementioned questions and receiving answers like: “You know why I love you.” or “Looks like somebody needs a compliment.” or “Of course there’s nobody like you!”
The answers never satisfied my thirst.
The heart begins to bloom
After my last breakup, I went through a really transformational time in my life. I lived in a unique studio condo downtown San Diego with tons of light, really high ceilings, and plants galore (pictured above). I put up a dance pole, and had lots of free space on the hardwood floors to flail around, create art, do yoga, cry, and play with MoMo. Psychedelics appeared as an option in my life, and I sent myself to the moon many times. Often returning from a journey feeling like I had died and rebirthed.
For the first time in my life, I found myself searching for wholeness inside myself. I wanted to understand my internal workings. I wanted to know the capacity of my heart. I wanted to love myself unconditionally. Passionately.
While my walls were coming down in so many ways, I realized that I had been deeply scarred by romantic love. By love that I had hoped would be *it* but didn’t actually feel like love at all.
The depth of my hurt wasn’t obvious until I accidentally found myself sitting in a psychic’s office for the first time in my life. I was about to move to Tulum in July 2021.
As the palm reader looked intently at the lines in my hand, she said, “Why are you trying to convince yourself that you don’t want children?”
It felt like a dagger had cut my chest open. Her question took my breath away.
Through tears, I answered: “I’m afraid I won’t find the man worthy to be their father.”
There it was. I didn’t just want to be a mother for the sake of being a mother. I wanted to be a mother as a result of a union that felt like nectar to my soul.
I think of that moment often.
One month later, my best friend Shane came to visit me in Tulum (pictured below) and we were engaged 5 months later. I wrote a blog about our love story in case you’re wanting to read the full shebang. (I can’t believe the word *shebang* actually exists).
Divine romantic love
Last week, Shane went on a business trip to Atlanta. On his plane ride home, he said that he was writing me a poem.
I stood in my mom’s bathroom 3 hours later sobbing as I read what he sent me. My body was electrified and I felt infinitely grateful for the love I’m able to receive from him. In many ways I still can’t believe it.
I’ve decided to share what he wrote for me in an effort to convey the depth of love that I’m talking about. Because we use the word “love” so haphazardly, it has lost so much of its significance. After all, “I love mashed potatoes (I do)” has a very different feeling tone to it than, “I love my child.” In ways that maybe aren’t so subtle, this harms us.
True romantic love is sacred, rare, and intrinsically transformative. It should be written about in a manner that captures its awe and mystery. It should be held closely, and delicately. This poem captures what plain language could never. I think it touches the essence of the Deep Heart that our innermost self longs for…
Taxi Ride at 8am
It feels narcotic
Something shining
and sublime
That leaves you
and comes into me
And in that moment
Something I know
and have known
For so long
Leaves me
—and goes into you.
I found you there
In that invisible place
Looking out
Through vast emerald seas
Tides that sweep me
Onto jagged rocks
Etched with deep impressions
Of my journey
To you
What’s the point
in talking about enlightenment
I can see you!
I don’t want to wake up
I want to stay
Here
With you
—dreaming
I want to see everything!
I want to be lost
In your vision
I want to watch you
—laughing and dancing
Hold my hand
We’ll watch together
As the spinning globe
goes on
Through unattached heavens
Above
Take me there
With you
Into the center
of the universe
This valley of fire
That I can see
—burning
Behind your eyes
There is no one else here
Tell me everything
How did you make the moon
glow?
Or that, right there…
The way your mouth moves
just before you smile
Bring that with us.
I am so moved each time I read these words, and each time I read these words, I interpret them a new way.
After he sent me that beautiful work of art, he said,
“It was written with you in my heart. I just held you there and it came out.”
Sharing this poem from him to me feels so vulnerable. And yet, it feels good.
In the poem, I sense the essence of God. This divine and mystical energy. Something I can’t quite put my finger on, but I feel in every cell of me.
I am sharing the poem because my union with Shane is what I’m the most proud of in my life.
I am sharing this with you because it is the most beautiful sequence of words I’ve ever laid my eyes on.
I am sharing this with you because I fear that in this confusing world, in this current global landscape, we’re getting further and further away from this kind of connection with one another.
We place the highest importance on success, fame, fortune, likes, follows, affiliate links.
I urge you to reconsider. I urge you to come back to love. For yourself, and for another. Hold it in the highest regard. There’s nothing sweeter. Nothing.
I believe that when we listen to the drive to search for the deepest love, we are honoring the drive for wholeness within ourselves. As Mauger states in her book, Love in a Time of Broken Heart, “Outer union with a partner is merely a reflection of our need for inner union [of the masculine and feminine].”
I no longer wonder if I could be replaced with any other person. I no longer feel like too much and not enough in the same breath. I no longer am confused about my role in my relationship. I know what I bring into Shane’s life, and I know it’s irreplaceable to him. That feeling is priceless. That feeling is home.
I never want to know a life without him and I pray that I never have to.
Creme de la Creme
I devoted myself to the art of the heart before I was able to fall into Shane’s arms. I wanted to be blasted open. To know my depth. It was there that I found the courage to call upon my mirror. To call upon the love of my lives.
Last night, I sat alone with Shane after a weekend full of company and entertaining. I was freshly showered and moisturized and the house was clean as I like it. I ate pasta at the counter while he sat on the couch. He had turned on our favorite episode of Seinfeld, and MoMo was curled up near him. I looked at him and said, “There is nowhere on Earth I’d rather be.” And I meant it.
I was terrified that if I didn’t get what I have now, I’d die. Now I sometimes feel afraid that if I ever lost what I have, I’d die.
The reality is, I’m going to die either way. And so will you.
While we’re here, let’s really go for it, shall we? Let’s get raw with ourselves and reach for the peak of heart experiences. For the creme de la creme. For the 10/10. For the supreme of supremes. Yes, this requires facing ourselves in an intense way, but I can’t think of a single thing on this Earth that’s more worth the pain.
My book continues to be written
Every month I write to you about how I’m writing my book and every month I sit here puzzled as to how it’s not finished yet. I keep telling myself that it will finish itself when it’s ready to be finished. I continue to work on it each day, and each day, more flows from me onto those pages. I’m excited to see what she becomes. How she blooms. Soon, you will be able to read my book about sexual embodiment. I can’t wait to share her with you.
Speaking of sexual embodiment, I have two 1:1 coaching containers open right now. If you feel called to work with me, I’d love to hear from you. You can reply to this e-mail or apply on my website.
What I’m currently reading:
Well, I finished Songs from the Womb: Healing the Wounded Mother by Benig Mauger. I’m now more passionate than ever about the birth and how we come into the world. Whether you’re planning to have children or not, I think this book is a must read. Mauger so delicately discusses issues regarding the medicalization of birth and how to heal from birth trauma. She wrote the book in the 90s, and so much of what she was concerned about has only been exacerbated in recent years. It’s important that we educate ourselves on our options in regards to giving birth and healing from the experience if it’s not what we had hoped for.
I’m now reading Love in a Time of Broken Heart by Benig Mauger. This woman is incredible and I feel so grateful to have found her work. She writes about the courage to love after heartbreak and how important it is that we find value in being ripped open with a broken heart. She discusses the healing power of heartbreak and how it can show us how deeply we’re actually able to love. So far, I’ve learned about inner marriage, restoring wholeness in ourselves through romantic love, and how loving relationships reflect our spiritual journies. The way she writes the book encouraged me to write my letter to you today.
I’m still working through these babies on rotation:
Ensouling Language by Stephen Buhner
Loving What Is by Byron Katie
What I’m thinking about:
I told you last month that I would begin meditating again each morning. I stuck to that about 80%! I feel so much more clear when I devote myself to my meditation and breath work practice.
Because of my Jungian psychotherapy sessions, I am keeping a dream journal as a way to connect with my unconscious. I’ve been finding it very interesting to write down what my mind is doing as I slumber. As a person who has never identified too much as a big dreamer, it’s quite surprising how much I can remember when I wake up. I’ve found that I’m able to identify patterns and fears that I’m unconsciously harboring.
For years, I thought that a dream journal was a bit too much for me, and that it was a waste of time, but I stand corrected. I’ve learned that as we build relationship with our unconscious, our shadows are better able to show themselves and we can bring lots to light. I love this work so far, and encourage a dream journal for you too!
Before I go,
I’d like to pose the question, what are you prioritizing the most in your life? Why? Is that where you want to be spending the majority of your efforts?
For too many years, my priorities were very jumbled up. External validation meant so much and I lived hoping to be recognized by others. I’ve now prioritized one thing: Presence. Here, in this moment, I’m free. I try to remember this and come back here each chance I get. Here, I’m able to surrender to the unknown and have absolute trust that if I’m here, life is perfect.
In a world where so much begs for our attention, let’s strive to become more intentional with each breath we take. We can’t take these moments for granted.
This moment is all we have. Are you here for it?
In gratitude,
My day is made each time I receive feedback from you in response to these love letters. I love hearing if you’re moved, or even just if you appreciate receiving them.
Thank you for being here, and for reading each month. I hope you continue to enjoy these letters from my heart to yours.
~
I love you,
-Lauren
