It’s 2020 beautiful people!
Happy New Year babes! Or should I say Feliz Nueve Año? I just got back from an amazingly mind-clearing 2 week vacation during which Jason and I drove all the way from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. We ate delicious food, watched Mother Earth’s magic, breathed in fresh air, and enjoyed time together with our pups. We swam with Whale Sharks in La Paz, and scuba dove under the arch in Cabo. It was truly lovely. This trip also concluded my 3 month Instagram hiatus, and I feel like I have learned SO MUCH about myself and my purpose. A fire inside me was rekindled that I felt had been smoldering for years.
I didn’t expect to take 3 months off of Instagram, I meant to take a week and then it just kept going and going. I have to be real with you… I loved it. I loved the break. I missed my IG Fam and my activism, but I really loved being so present and spending so much time with my family sans the urge to scroll endlessly. I didn’t feel the need to document as much as I could. Not being on my phone felt like home. Being in this metaphorical home gave me the space to unpack a lot of mental fog I’d been carrying around.
While I took this time off of Instagram, I reintroduced myself to myself. I meditated, read, had meaningful conversations, began new friendships, overcame challenges, and said NO a lot. It felt so good.
I had several breakthroughs the past few months (yes, it’s been exhausting and beautiful), and I wanted to share my top 3 with you. Keep in mind that I also turned 27 in October and attribute some of this to my Saturn return.. haha more on that later. Okay, here we goooo:
1. I had/ve an ego dilemma.
Hello! Hi. This is crazy hard to admit. But it’s true. I learned that I have been holding myself back because I thought I was too cool to try hard at anything. I was too cool to start over. I was too cool to work hard. I was too cool to CARE. Under this heavy, cool cloak, I didn’t want to start because I didn’t want to fail. Instead of starting and putting my whole heart into building something for me and for YOU, I made a million excuses as to why I hadn’t put intentional work into my dream businesses.
I would put all these expectations on others and here I had no ground to stand on. I wasn’t living my most authentic and abundant life. Whew, so glad I realized this because when I did in early November, it’s like a spark went off. I cried, I drank tea and binge watched The Arrow, and then I got to work. And it’s been AMAZING. For the first time in years, I am feeling eager, and I am feeling proud of myself. I know that in order to have a fulfilling life, to be proud of myself, I have to try. I have to fail. I have to GO FOR IT even if everything isn’t perfect. Even if I’m not ready. I have to change my internal messaging so my external messaging comes from the heart and from a clear, confident space.
This was the biggest download during these 3 months, because ladies, I love the spotlight. I love being on stage, and I love to give and get attention. I love to inspire and to engage and to help others laugh and feel alive, but I wasn’t (fully) showing up for myself. Wow! How could I show up for others if I wasn’t showing up for me? That ended in the last few months of 2019, and I attribute this breakthrough to disappearing and getting quiet. Getting down with myself.
2. I have so much love to give and so much room to receive.
Yes. I. Do. Okay, this one also isn’t easy. Little back story…before Jason and I started dating, I was single AF, and had just decided to live in a van with my cat. Two independent pussy cats living in a van exploring the world with no real plans and no stuff (other than all my shoes and an abundance of tempeh). Then, Jason and I fell in love (in like 1 week), and all of a sudden, I was a wife (not on paper, relax), a step-mom to a 1.5 year old, and a dog mom of two. Yes, this was all my choice, but somewhere along the line, I lost myself a little and my zest for life. I began to very passively love. I would say that I loved my animals or I love my step-son, but really I would be frustrated that I “had to take care of them”. Or it would annoy me that I “couldn’t get everything done.”
This kind of passivity began to claw at me, and I started to really resent Jason for being so happy, juggling all of his roles so seamlessly, and still loving with all of his heart. I felt less and less productive and cool (hello ego) while he excelled professionally and personally. I was pissed and moody as all hell. Not cute. I can’t really say when the shift first began, but I’m sure it was after a day where I threw a tantrum, and all of a sudden, I just realized that I was blocking love. I was choosing to let my selfishness and my ego run my life. I wasn’t choosing love. I was choosing fear. I was choosing excuses. I was choosing a lame-ass existence. NOT ANYMORE SUCKAS. That ship has sailed. I learned so much in that time but bye bye to BS and hello to love. I see you, I feel you, and I welcome you.
Since this revelation, I have noticed so much more love in my life. From my pets, from my son, from my family, from strangers and from Jason. Most importantly, from myself. I have more compassion for myself and I see myself as a multi-dimensional being that can juggle different roles with ease. I can do this, and I can love the chaos, and so can you.
3. I love learning new things.
Soon after turning off IG for a while, I realized I had a Bunch (with a capital B) of extra time on my hands (literally). So I decided to use my hands for other things. I’d always wanted to learn the speed bag at the gym, so I started going to the boxing room and just hitting it. And then I got the hang of it and then I started beating the shit out of it and it has become my new obsession. It was so much fun to start from zero at something and work my way up to feeling very confident about something. It’s been a while since I’ve done something like that. I also started using the DuoLingo App to brush up on my Spanish and totally got addicted to that too. Whenever I’d grab my phone, I’d practice Spanish instead of scrolling. I am now fluent in Spanish! Hahaha just kidding, but that’s the goal!
The major lesson here is that I really enjoy trying something for the first time and then getting better and better at it. It’s fun! It’s something we should all do. Let’s try to learn new skills so we can be bad ass multidimensional goddess women beings.
Why am I sharing all of this with you today? First, I re-discovered my love to write (which is why I’ll be sending out ALIVE! Monday Inspo e-mails), and second, because I’m hoping that my 3 month journey will help to inspire you to take some time for yourself and reflect. To invest time in you. It may not be for 3 months, but maybe it can be for 3 hours, or 3 days, or 3 weeks.
If you made it all the way here, thank you. I love you. I’m so grateful for you and your magic and your support. I wouldn’t be who I am without your energy. Xo