HELLO! Happy last day of November!
For those of you who haven’t shaven, and haven’t nutted, I salute you. I didn’t even attempt either. I’m feeling a little bit snarky, a lot loving, and a tad bit mentally unsound today. I just returned from a week in Southern Florida and am ready to rumble.
I’m covering three topics in one blog post this week because one: It feels right. Two: I want to. And three: because I cannot simply write about being an anal virgin right now and not talk about my other two pressing mental matters.
Also, today is the last day of November, and a full moon with a lunar eclipse, so BANG! For those reasons, and many more, I’ll be in my feels writing to you today. I’m taking you on a wild ride. Leggo.
Okay, I love you, hi! Hello! Let’s get juicy.
Last night I was at my sisters, and she and my brother-in-law were talking about anal experiences they’d had. For the first time in my life, I realized that I’ve been missing out on this really wonderful experience, for my anus has never been (fully) penetrated by a wiener. This is something I feel like I want to disclose to my fabulous wolf-pack because ya’ll ask me anal questions all the time!
I’m now on a mission to finally have anal sex, and of course I’ll tell you about my first time. Haha! Watch, I’ll be writing to you when I’m 87, having finally had my bum hole entered.
Ah! It’s scary for me just thinking about it, but I’m excited and ready. This is the process I’ll be going through to make sure it’s great for me. Of course, I want to share with you too! Let’s get started:
1. If you want to start out on pro-level, douche out your booty hole. I’ve talked to my gay bffs here for varying methods, but really it comes down to, squirt water up your butt through whatever means necessary until you go #2, and it’s just water that comes out. This step isn’t 100% necessary, but it probably will make you feel more comfortable going into the experience.
2. Do not just shove a dry wiener into your butt. Work up to it. Incorporate fingers, anal beads, booty plugs of various sizes, and try to relax. Your sphincter (the thing that keeps poo in) naturally wants to make a pucker motion when things try to enter it. Focus on your breath, and do your best to relax that muscle. It might help to insert an anal plug when you’re home alone, doing chores, etc.
3. Use an enormous amount of lube. I’ve heard that sex shops sell some really great booty numbing sprays/gels, so it’s worth it to try those too.
4. Once everyone is lubed up, use your mouth to communicate with your partner as the deed is happening. Try different positions, slow down, speed up, whatever you need to make sure you’re very comfortable. Discomfort is normal at first, but once you’re relaxed and ready, the pleasure is apparently very worth it and wonderful.
5. Health Tip: Do not switch from anal sex to vaginal sex, one after another, unless you love yeast infections and/or bacterial vaginosis. Also, the butthole tissue is much more sensitive and porous than that of a vaginal canal. Take tremendous care when entering and exiting.
Happy analing! Let me know in comments what you think about anal, and if you decide to try it!
Okay, fabulous, now that our minds have been penetrated by anal sex discussion, I’d like to move on to the next topic of the day.
I have discovered something so wonderful and something so groundbreaking and something as old as (or older than) the Earth. I’ve discovered psychedelics. Specifically, Magic Mushrooms and 5MEO-DMT.
I haven’t shared much about this journey with ya’ll, and I’m still going to keep it brief for now, but I want you to know that I am vibrating on a higher frequency than ever before in my life. I’ve been having gigantic breakthrough after gigantic breakthrough, ego-deaths, and life changing experiences over the past two months, starting with a ceremony with a shamana down by a river. Yes, you read that right, folks. DOWN BY A RIVER.
It’s rare for me to have trouble articulating myself. Suddenly, however, I’m finding it difficult to categorize my experiences, to put into words the complexities of how I’m feeling, and to distinguish between my emotional body and my physical body. Essentially, I feel like I’m this turbo, rebirthed version of myself, and I’m learning how to be me again. This time without all the mental fog and bullshit that I’ve been telling myself for years. IT’S AMAZING.
To many, this may sound like a lot. It did to me too at first. You might be thinking of mushrooms as a drug, or a party substance for people to connect and listen to music. While I honor the use of shrooms in those spaces, that is not how I’ve been ingesting them.
I’ve been ingesting them during careful ceremony, in solitude, and with intention. During the experiences, and during integration periods after, I’ve found a new meaning for my life. Never has my life been more clear, my mission been more obvious, or my heart been so full. It feels like I stumbled upon psychedelics (thanks to my ex, Jason), and now my life makes sense.
In many ways, these recent experiences are the reason I’ve been taking a social media break. They’re the reason I’ve stepped back from highlighting my physical attributes. They’re the reason I’m seeing life through a new lens. A lens of love, and acceptance. A lens of abundance and so much energy.
I’m telling you all this because I’m so able to hold space for you right now on your sexual healing journeys. I’m SO PASSIONATE about life and about what’s here now and what’s to come. Life is so beautiful and it’s such a miracle to wake up every day able to experience it. This goes for the great days full of love and laughter and the harder days full of heartbreak and pain. The fact that we CAN FEEL is the miracle.
I encourage you to do some research into these medicines if you’re struggling with your truth, depression, anxiety, ego, etc. I love this documentary called Fantastic Fungi. LINK I recommend you find a shamana to discuss these medicines with if you’re thinking of diving in. These plant medicines have been used for thousands of years, and are being de-criminalized here in the USA and re-approved in research labs. The research, from the 1970s is profound for curing PTSD, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and other ailments.
I could, and likely will, talk about this forever, so welcome to a new dimension of Shewolf Lauren.
Boom, topic two penned. Ready for topic three? I am!
Breaking Up and Moving On:
Topic three is deep. It’s the one I think many of us have experienced in our lives. It’s potentially a heartbreaker, or a healer, or a you don’t give a shit at all-er?
My ex, who happens to also be a dear friend of mine, has fallen in love with another woman. And it kind of knocked me off my feet this week.
And you’re like, Lauren, so what!? You’re writing about threesomes and Tulum birthday sex, and pole dancing in your condo! We figured you were over that relationship, and obvi he’s going to move on!
Here’s the thing: I thought all of that too. But my relationship with J was intense. It was essentially a 10 year marriage (not on paper) in a two year time frame. We lived together after a month of being in love. I helped raise his infant son. We had two dogs and a cat (RIP Lloyd). We took on debt together. We got out of debt together. We formed companies as a union. We were a strong team. Even in our split, we maintained our love and friendship, and grew together while apart on our psychedelic journeys and beyond.
I’ve written all of this to say, the narrative I’ve created about my relationship with J has been a beautiful one. I’m so proud of the romantic relationship we had, how we supported each other through our break-up, and how we’ve kept such an honest line of communication open, even when it wasn’t easy.
While I’m so proud of that narrative, the news of J’s new union, as I mentioned before, almost knocked me on my ass.
Not because I want to be with him.
Not because I am jealous.
Not because I wanted him to be alone forever.
Not because I didn’t expect it.
Not because I think I made a mistake in walking away.
But because this is new waters to navigate, and for me, the water is murky. For some deep reason, it hurts. J is so wonderful at compartmentalizing his relationships. When we broke up, although it happened suddenly, and I was still pretty unsure of my decision, we really didn’t even ever kiss again. There was no goodbye sex. It was just black and white on the romance front.
We’re not together anymore. So we’re not together anymore. He was such a man about it. No grey. No “maybe we’ll get back together.” No “come spend one more night.” Just done. We did, however, continue to speak/text almost daily as we went our separate ways, on sprit journeys. As just friends. As friends that care deeply for each other, say “I love you” when we get off the phone, and keep each other up to date on our adventures. Too much too soon? Maybe.
Something about the just friends part hurt my ego. It hurt my heart. I wanted him to want more. I actually wrote a blog post about something similar to this: Wanting men to want you when you never did or no longer want them. I couldn’t understand how the separation could be so easy for him. From sharing a bed every night to bffs. Yes please, but also, HOW?
I had never had a break-up that was so final. I’d always, unhealthily, gone back and forth a million times because I struggle real hard with finality. So eventhough I never ever considered getting back together in my brain, my heart didn’t really believe that it was truly over. I didn’t really believe that J and I were done done, romantically, forever. Forever?! That’s such a weird concept to me. Even though, remember, I knew that relationship container wasn’t for me. Hello, MY ASS WALKED AWAY.
If you’re confused and want to yell at me right now, I understand. LOL.
In order to not drag you through my personal heart, mind, and soul dilemma, I’ll conclude with this. My heart is healing from this expected occurrence – J moving on – and the unexpected occurrence – me feeling so weird about it.
When I discuss this with people, most say, THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T TALK TO YOUR EX. Or, THIS IS TOO SOON. While I think both of those mindsets would be easier, that isn’t the story I’m going for. J means so much to me as a dear friend, a confidant, a teacher, and an amazing man. I’m honored to know him. His new partner shines so bright. She seems to be an instant twin flame for him and a wonderful match. I truly am so happy for them, and I hope to spend time with them sometime in the future.
For now, I’m taking space, clearing my mind. Checking my ego, and opening my heart. I can do this. I want to do this. I know that my highest self is like, “YEEESSS BETCH, welcome this as a new truth, and a beautiful closure.”
I truly feel like romantic relationships and the end of them, open a portal for us into our truest selves. They can hurt, but ultimately, they teach, and I’m here to learn, baby.
Here are some key takeaways and what I know for sure right now:
1. I choose to trust my intuition and the timing of my life. Unconditionally. #TTTOML
2. It’s okay to hurt and just sit in it for a while and process.
3. It can take a while to own a decision, but you need to own that shit and move on. Questioning incessantly, even when your intuition lead you in the right direction is the antithesis of #1.
4. Turmoil surrounding love is part of the human condition. It’s so metal to feel this much. Rock on. Cry. Journal. Dance. Stuff crystals in your bra. Get it OUT. LET IT GO.
5. Keep up on self-care practices, lean on friends, masturbate = good for the soul.
For those of you going through heartbreak, or loss of any kind, I’m here with you. I’ll see you on the other (sunny) side.
If you made it to this point, hey, what’s up, hello. Today, we tackled anal sex preparation, a psychedelic discussion, and a conversation about breaking up, and moving on. I told you I was taking you for a ride, and you strapped in. Cheers to you.
Ahhh… just writing about this, I feel so much better. To my wolf-pack, thank you for being here to read. Thank you for showing up for yourselves and for me. I love you! Ou! Ou! Ouuu!
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