Hi! I’m writing this in an incredibly horny state. So bear with me if I have sex brain. Something has happened to me over the past few days where my hormones are RAGING, and I could masturbate 7 times a day and it still wouldn’t feel like enough (I tried).
I went through a bit of a not super horny spell and then BAM it feels like I’ve been hit by a sex-energy Mac truck. Pray for me.
This energy got me thinking about something, and I’m just going to use my blog today as a public journal. Yeah, that sounds fun. I’ll publicly journal about what’s happening inside my head. It’s gonna be raw. It’s gonna be real. And it’s gonna be real raw. Today, we’re less structured and more chaotic than a normal Shewolf Lauren entry. Mehhhh. Blob. Here it goes.
Actually, before we begin. Hi. I offer 1:1 Private Sessions to help you feel confident AF in your life. In the sheets and on the streets. You deserve to be able to strut your sheit and feel amazing in your skin. It’s not always easy to be vulnerable and to address what’s holding you back, which is why I’m here to guide you. 1:1 Private Sessions are about YOU. We dive deep to create you a personalized sexual confidence blueprint! Click here for all the deets! Can’t wait to work with you!
Okay. Bam. Leggo.
I have brought ya’ll with me through quite a journey since I began my blog. We’ve talked about it all. Breakups, sex toys, wild Tulum cabana sex, sex-clubs, heartbreak, and how to become our most confident selves. Today, on the last Monday of January in 2021, I want to share a bit about how I’m feeling as a 28 year-old woman who wants kids, and a husband but also doesn’t want to settle and doesn’t feel 100% groovy about online dating or meeting up with people in the midst of a GLOBAL FUCKING PANDEMIC.
So here’s what’s flying around on my mind right now. It might be confusing. But maybe you’ll understand. In either case, I’m going for it. Shooting my shot if you will.
I am 28. Going to be 29 in October (Libras, holla!). I am a woman that writes about, talks about, and learns about sex and sexuality for a living. I’m actually planning to write about how just that alone is VERY interesting for me in the dating sphere. Until recently, I was going back and forth about wanting kids until meeting several men with vasectomies in their 30s. I realized then that I absolutely want kin, and I want to be young-ish mom.
For the last few weeks, I was suddenly feeling really monogamous, and then I wrote my sex-club debut story, and had this panic about monogamy because I love those freaky and exploratory experiences. So I’m back to being convinced that I need some type of openness in my relationship dynamic for it to work long-term.
In the midst of these conversations with myself, I am having a real desire to date, but I kind of realized… I DON’T KNOW HOW IF IT’S JUST ONLINE. I have to be honest in that I never had a dating app for actual dating. I had a dating app for hooking up. For potential do-it partners. Not for LOVE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Real dating on dating apps is a whole new deal. It’s so tiring and hello! I motha fuxn peak in person. I rely on my shining personality and striking wolf-like eye contact to get past the “how was your day” dread. When I’m first starting to talk to someone, the question “How is your day?” is almost offensive. Ask me what face-wash I use for all I care, but I CANNOT HANDLE the monotony of the question “how is your day?” I have actually just completely stopped responding to people that ask me that right out of the gate.
While online, I’m still able to show up as me. I know how to feel confident in my skin. I know how to do the witty messaging and question asking. I know how to be curious about other people. But now that I’m 28, I don’t think I’m interested in dating just for dating. I have this issue where if I don’t immediately feel a spark, it can feel like a waste of time, and for me, it’s really hard to feel a *spark* online. If I’m going to spend time with someone, I want to see that they’re daddy material. BUT ALSO… so many great relationships start as just casual friendship encounters or friends with benefits, so I don’t want to rule things out just to rule them out.
See how this is confusing? Is this even making sense? Of course this is a rhetorical question because I am, after all, writing AT you. haha
As you can see, a lot is happening inside my head, my heart, and my kitty. But I’m not finished yet.
Here in San Diego, all restaurants and bars are closed down. When we do go out, masks are required, and that takes away so much random interpersonal interaction. Not to mention the 6-foot-away rule. We can barely hear one another, let alone see if someone is smiling at us, or if their body reeks of delicious pheromones.
It’s actual dating hell. I didn’t even realize it until it kind of became obvious that I have two options. Either A: Make a dating app profile, Or B: Masturbate for the rest of my life and drink coffee with MoMo. And C: Do both because I guess that’s an option too.
Alas, I download Hinge and go through these strange phases of messaging like 20 people only to become exhausted by it and delete the app the next day. It’s so weird. Admittedly, my dating app game is strong, so that’s not the problem. The problem is I LOVE organic interaction and energy exchange. It’s what lights my soul on fire. Of course with dating apps, that just cannot happen in the same way.
A few notes here to contradict everything I said before and confuse you further: Some Hinge connections are SO WORTH the effort. Think about it… all these badass people who prefer to meet face-to-face too are left with no choice but to use apps. We’re all in the same boat, wishing we were naturally meeting at coffee shops, or during beach days with our friends. The connections I’ve made on Hinge are exciting and I’ve learned a lot from people and am excited to explore certain connections further.
p.s. Book a 1:1 Private Session with me if you need some dating app guidance. I can help you show up as your best self on there, and guide you about which pics to put up, and how to best answer prompts/write bios. *I’m good at it.*
If you’re confused about the message I’m trying to get across in this blog post, I am right there with you. Hahaha Maybe a public journal entry was a very scary idea? But we like being scared sometimes? Yeah? Shake shit up, Barb.
I had always heard of this proverbial “pressure” thing that happens when women were approaching their 30s and were single, but I didn’t understand it until now. Don’t get me wrong. Nobody is saying to me, “Where are your husband and kids?” but inside me, there’s this little clock that’s like, “Hey betch. Your body wants babies, and you’re at your fertility peak.” Luckily, that internal clock also says, “Hey betch. Chill out and work on yourself. This time is a gift.”
So in this moment, I am in (at least) two worlds. A world where my womb and my heart are thinking about settling down and a world where my vag and my body want to explore and party before it’s time to pop out some infants. Sooo…. Meet daddy, but also have fun sex in the meantime with cool souls that might not be long-term material but relax because it’s all going to be okay? Is that just what dating life is? It seems like yes. It seems like I’m literally just writing about dating. What a mess.
Sometimes I can’t help but to think about how fantastic it would be to be a man. I feel like it’s so much less pressure in many ways. These dudes be 60 and still shooting out fertile little sperms. It’s a crime. OR how fantastic to decide you don’t want kids. Like, BAM. I don’t want them. They’re sticky and gross and a waste of resources. That’s the end of the conversation. Liberating.
One of my (wo)mentors recently told me the tale of how her decision to not have kids changed the trajectory of her dating life. Suddenly, it wasn’t about who she could see a family with, and more about just enjoying her experience and relaxing into new possibilities. She’s now in her 70s and lives such a fulfilling life.
That conversation sticks with me because I often think of that relief. AND… is it perhaps possible to do what she did without making the same decision? To just enjoy and relax into new possibilities? Yeah, I think that is possible.
It’s like my life mantra: Trust the timing of your life.
I’ve chosen to come back to that for so many years, and for so many years, that phrase has been my best friend. My loyal confidant. And my truth.
If I choose that phrase during more sure times, I also choose that phrase during shakier ones.
Sex and dating during a pandemic requiring social-distancing, restaurant and event closures, and facemasks are uncharted waters. But yes, I believe this is supposed to be happening. We’re supposed to have this space and this time.
When I look back at the past year, I have learned something new about myself EVERY SINGLE EFFING DAY. It has been remarkable. And I’m still learning.
Whoever my husband is, he’s going to be getting the BEST version of me that I’ve ever been. He’s going to get A1 Lauren. The cat’s meow. The big kahuna. And he’s going to be so excited. And I’m going to be so excited to be with him. We’ll find each other irresistible. I’m sure about that. And for that clarity, I have time to thank. I have self-work and self-love to thank. I have hours of meditation, and deep thought about my ego and my spirituality to thank.
If it hadn’t have been for the pandemic, I’m not sure I would have spent this year diving so deep into what makes me tick. Into what makes me tock. Yes, you just read sentences laden with timing wit.
I may not have even had the dilemma I shared with you today. I might have jumped right into a new relationship without taking the time to truly heal from the limiting beliefs of my past.
Ahhh. See. I knew I would feel so much better if I wrote to you all about this.
This is why journaling is so important. Today, my journaling is more public, but I often (daily) have writing sessions like this with myself. The journal entry may begin like a chaotic cluster salad and end on a note of divine inspiration and bliss like a vegan rice pudding. Writing your feelings and your chaos helps to clear space for new thoughts to emerge. I highly encourage you to take up a writing practice.
That’s what I live for. Growth.
Today, through this post, I found my message. I do trust the timing of my life. I trust that this post flew out of me today because I needed to tell you that if you’re feeling this weird dating pressure or pandemic pressure at all, you’re not alone.
Being single is weird/fun/thrilling/questionable enough when there aren’t shelter-in-place orders inhibiting our moves.
And so, I finish today’s entry with this. We’ve got this. We’re alive. We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. All of this self-love, self-help, and deep work will pay off. Let’s give ourselves the gift of time. Inhale & exhale together. I love you. Happy last week of the first month of 2021. I’m rooting for you.
Thank you for being here today. Ya’ll mean so much to me. If you liked this more journal-style entry. Let me know in the comments below!
I’m now hosting LIVE! interviews about sex, sexuality, and relationships each week @thesexden. Make sure you’re following us there for uninhibited conversations. It’s a real blast.
Want more of me?
-Book a private call here
-Instagram page @thesexden
-Personal Insta @shewolflauren
One Response
Thank you for this message! If definitely feel all of what you are saying and the confusion that comes along with it in my own mirrored experience… I believe in us and the beauty of the relationships we will find… eventually hahah