Can’t Get It Up? Here’s What To Do.

Here's what to do when you or someone you know can't get it up.

Hello to my sexy ass wolf-pack!

I hope you’re so well. I’ve had one hell of a week in the best ways. I am so excited to be alive and I feel so invigorated by the universe and all that is. I feel like a floodgate has opened in my body and I can’t stop crying because I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and I feel like my heart is just growing and growing like the Grinch. Soon, my ribs won’t be able to contain her. I just might explode. A love explosion.

This past week, I was on Enjoy the Podcast, and would like to invite you to watch the episode on Youtube, or listen to the episode wherever you get your podcasts. I loved talking with the guys about topics ranging from threesomes to sexual orientation to open relationships to mindful masturbation to faking orgasms. I answered lots of regularly asked questions there, and I’m stoked about how the conversation unraveled.

Alright, let’s get into today’s topic… DICKS!

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Yay! As you know, I love dicks. I’m a proud wiener lover, and I’m also a big proponent of people with penises loving their penises. Body positivity for all.

Over the past 3 weeks, I was in a course called, When Sex Goes Wrong with Cisgendered Men. The class covered SO MANY topics ranging from medical penile issues to psychological issues, to relational issues, to holistic, medical, and tantric remedies for Erectile Disfunction. I learned A TON and I want to share some of that knowledge with you. This is by no means comprehensive, and I’ll be talking specifically about non-medical performance anxiety. If you’re experiencing long-term ED, talk to a medical professional or check out franktalk.org.

For the purpose of today’s blog, I will be referring to penis owners as men. I recognize this is not always the case, and I honor people who have penises and do not identify as men, or who do not want their penises. I also use a heterosexual couple as example.  

Alright, so you’re in the midst of a date and things are starting to get heated. Your heart and head start racing because you’re turned on and so stoked to be with this chick you’ve been wanting to have sex with.

You start making out and you’re already praying to the lord above that your penis cooperates with your arousal, so you can have penetrative sex with this woman.

When you notice that your dick isn’t getting hard even though you’re aroused, your mind is now disconnected from the present moment as you begin focusing exclusively on your penis. You’re feeling nervous that you won’t be able to perform, to display your masculinity, to fuck like a Rockstar.

Maybe at this point, the woman you’re with has noticed. Maybe you’re apologizing or explaining your inability to get or remain erect. At this intersection, a few things happen:

-She comments on it, asking you if “you can’t get hard because of her”

-She becomes determined to get you hard, and starts to put in concerted effort

-She asks you what’s going on, and what she can do

-You try other things to get hard, but are still struggling, and the interaction ends

Maybe she’s commented on it, and maybe you’re both feeling disappointed. From this point forward, your focus shifts from having a fun, new experience, to exclusive pressure on your penis.

Alright, if you’re feeling tightness in your chest, or some anxiety, that’s totally normal. This happens to most men at some point in their lives, and I, first and foremost, want to say that you’re not alone, and you’re normal, and it’s going to be okay!

Before I continue, I feel it my calling to remind you that you really have no control over when your penis gets hard or not. It’s kind of involuntary, and it’s not your fault if you struggle to get up sometimes. You’re no less of a man. You’re no worse of a lover. You’re still worthy and awesome, and sexy.

Now here’s where I tell you things that may relieve you and may piss you off:

  • How hard you f*ck does not = masculinity.
  • Your dick is not your only sex organ.
  • Just because your penis isn’t hard, the sexual interaction doesn’t have to be over.
  • Focusing on overall pleasure and fun is A+.
  • The way your body responds to physical stimulus does not always = arousal or lack thereof. Feel free to remind your partner of this. Read Come as you Are for more on this.
  • YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF THE MOST FUN SEX OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT AN ERECT PENIS.

Here are some things you can do to when your soldier won’t salute:

1. Relax and Breathe

While I understand that you want to put your hard penis in warm, wet places, I also want to remove the enormous amount of pressure that you’ve placed on the hardness of your dick alone.

If this erection issue is ongoing, yes, seek medical help, but if you’re experiencing some performance anxiety when you’re hooking up with a new person, or struggling to get hard during particularly stressful times in your life, remember that your entire body is a pleasure zone. You can access so many other pleasure points while you allow your body to relax.

Barring medical concerns, the best thing you can do when you’re having trouble getting up is to relaxxxxxxx and send breath to your penis. In other words, “Breathe into your Dick.”

I know that relaxing can be hard (pun intended) when you have added pressure from a partner, society, and yourself, but practicing a relaxed state of mind before, and during a sexual interaction can really help.

Take on a concentrated breathing practice at some point in your day, and reconnect with your body. Notice your breath, your toes, the way your clothes feel on your skin, and try to relax each individual body part until you feel connected with your breath and your body. It’s a very connected feeling, and only takes a few minutes.

What happens when you’re having anxiety about your dick not getting hard, is you become very disconnected from the physical experience you’re having. Suddenly, your attention goes up to your head and the whole experience is now out-of-body. It’s airy, and not grounded and present.

While yes, out of body experiences can be delicious during sex, that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about you loosing connection with your body in a way that puts tons of pressure on you and makes an entire sexual experience focused on one component alone.

Speaking of breathing and being in your power, it’s my greatest honor to guide clients on their sexual confidence and personal power journey. Click here to apply for my 12-week 1:1 Coaching Experience.

2. While you’re allowing your body to relax, focus on your partner’s pleasure

Here is a friendly reminder that sex is not just about your dick. I know you might not want to believe me… but most of the best orgasms I’ve ever had have had NOTHING to do with a hard dick, and everything to do with energy and fingers and my clit. I know this is true for so many women I talk to as well.

When you notice that your dick won’t get hard, focus your attention and your energy on the person you’re having a sexual experience with.

3. Incorporate props/toys/new experiences

Like I mentioned above, your penis is not your only sex organ. Trace your partner’s body with your tongue. Ask if you can blindfold them, and try new sensations. Try vibrators, prostate play, feathers, ropes, mutual masturbation, listen to erotica together. Oil your bodies up and have a human slip and slide for all I care, just do other, NEW, exciting things. Reinvigorate your biggest sex organ (the brain). Make it fun!

Your sex life isn’t over. If anything, maybe use this as a time to hone in on other skills, and keep doing those skills even when your penis does get hard again!

4. Talk to your bros about this

Weird, right? But I think this is so beneficial! Men need packs. Even if your friends aren’t talking about this, I assure you, this has happened to them, or will at some point, happen to them. Talk to them about it. Ask them how they got through it. You’re not alone in this experience, and it’s good to get input from other dudes that care about you.

If you’re reading this, and you’re a partner to someone who’s experiencing erectile woes, listen up:

-You are beautiful, sexy, and wonderful as you are. Your lil tummy roll isn’t why your partner can’t get up.

-Shaming a man for not being able to get hard is FUCKED UP. BOTTOM LINE.

-Your partner likely wants to get up more than anything in the world in that moment…encouraging them to relax, and reminding them that it’s okay, will do wonders.

-Get creative, and remind your partner that their penis isn’t their only sex organ.

Okay, I’m signing off for today, folx! I hope this was helpful for you, as I was excited to share some of my learning. You’re all my favorite wolf-pack, and I’m so happy to have you here with me. Please click here to sign up for my mailing list so we can stay connected through all the ebs and flows of social media.

Update: This topic is best during conversation, which is why Camille and I will be talking about it during this week’s Convos with Cami! Tune in LIVE! @ 19:00pst on Wednesday May 19.

I love you! Ou! Ou! Ouuu!

Want more of me?

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