How do I know if I’m home?

This post was first shared on July 1, 2023 from Port Townsend, Washington as part of my monthly Love Letter series.

I’ve decided to slowly share the love letters here on my blog. If you’d like to receive these letters straight to your inbox and in real time, Subscribe here.

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July 1, 2023

—From My Heart to Yours—

It’s July 1. Exactly 1/2 way through 2023… what have you done with your life? Time is ticking!

Just kidding. That’s not how I talk to you.

First, I want to thank you for the outpouring of love I received after last month’s love letter. I love knowing that so many of you were moved. Thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your reactions.

Today, I’m writing to you from my favorite coffee shop on the face of the planet (that I’ve found so far). I’m on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state. Outside the window, I see a ferry and lots of water framed by trees on the other side, and a pier. I see a little crushed-seashell-filled beach with vibrant green seaweed and crystal clear water.

I’m wearing an all black outfit with (to my dismay) flip flops, or thongs as my grandma calls them.

I’m on my period and using a 100% organic cotton maxi pad for the first time in my life. I just cannot figure out this period thing. I don’t want tampons or diva cups or period underwear (although I was formerly a fan). I really want to take the week off and eat grapes and be naked and bleed on the earth like a primal animal. Maybe I’ll build myself a Red Tent one day. Yes, that’s it.

Before I began writing this love letter to you, I was trying to write poetry about the state of my heart. Sometimes I don’t know how to contain the bigness of emotions that I feel and I want to stand up and passionately exclaim to a crowd, “ISN’T LIFE GREAT!? CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE ALL ALIVE!?” I find myself in these moods where I want to make eye contact with everyone and let them know that I see the vibrance of their being. It’s very intense and heightened—even more so if I ingest caffeine.

In an attempt to not freak everyone out, I’ll kindly ask my heart to move through my fingers and orchestrate these words in a document for you.

Time to go

When I last wrote, Shane and I were staying on my mom’s property in California. I had just celebrated a holiday weekend with my friends, and was oozing with love.

Shane and I were supposed to leave California on June 23 and make our way to Washington, but as things typically happen in my life, our schedule shifted. Shane’s job needed him to leave for a business trip right when we were supposed to be leaving, so we decided that we’d leave California two weeks earlier than planned.

We made the decision on Tuesday that we’d leave on Friday. On Wednesday, a moving company came to haul our things out of storage. Thursday, I packed up the van and the Prius. Friday morning, we were on our way to Washington.

I had so many emotions come up as I pulled away from my mom’s house. It was so palpable for me that a chapter of my life was ending and a new one beginning.

Although we’ve basically lived outside of California for 2.5 years (minus a 7 month stint when we bought a house there HAHA), something about this move felt so much different because my body knew that I was leaving leaving. Even with all of our travels over those 2.5 years, my belongings remained in Cali in a storage unit, my car was parked at my mom’s in Cali, and truly we had no other home base. Toward the end of those 2.5 years, I felt this very deep exhaustion because I had no idea where home was or if I would ever have a home again. I tried to lean into sayings like, “Home is where the heart is” or “I’m home when I’m with you”, but there was always this subtle tugging at my heart… this feeling that there was a specific place I needed to find.

I began to deeply crave having a home base of my own from which to travel rather than anywhere I traveled becoming my temporary home.

Homeward Bound

And so, on that Friday morning, we pulled out of my mom’s very long driveway and we began our journey north—I driving the van with MoMo, Shane driving the Prius.

The drive was so much fun! I mostly drove in silence with the exception of The Dixi Chicks (now, sans Dixi) blasting over my speakers. There is nothing I love more than finishing a road trip without a voice because I’ve been belting with my entire being for 17 hours.

The first night, we pulled over on the side of the highway in Bakersfield, CA and slept outside of a gas station in the van. In all honesty, I got about 1 hour of sleep and woke up like an angry baby.

The second night, we stayed on a little hidden piece of land in Mt. Shasta, CA in the van. It was so special and the morning air was so crisp and fresh.

The third and fourth nights, we stayed at our favorite Bed & Breakfast in Eugene, Oregon (The Campbell House) and I was able to get some electrical fixed on the van in the meantime. Such a win!

The fifth night at 11pm, we pulled into our fabulous new home. It’s a fully furnished month-to month rental while we look at real estate, and my god is she beautiful. The home is on 5 acres of land and we have a breathtaking view of the water and mountain ranges. Some mornings, a thick layer of clouds cover the mountains and it’s as if we are peering into infinity.

A new beginning

When I fell in love with Shane, I felt (and still feel) like my soul made it home. Shortly after, it became clear that he and I were on a journey to find a place to live that felt home for our bodies. I kicked and screamed through that process thinking it could be Tulum, or NYC (remember that?). Shane thought it could be Montana or Wyoming, and in the end, we both thought it would be California over all else. We were wrong. Our hearts brought us back here… to the Olympic Peninsula, and so far it’s been better than we could have imagined.

It’s scary to move to a place where you don’t know a single person. I feel like a little girl when I talk to people now and I want to simply ask, “Will you be my friend?” It’s a cute and youthful feeling. Like I’m hanging out with 10 year old me.

Last year I cleared out so much drama in my life and I now feel like I really have space to reach out to community. I’m going to be doing lots more in person work, hosting retreats, ceremony, and continuing my education on energy, psychotherapy and sexuality.

There’s so much to learn and it seems infinite ways to live. I want to do all the art things, all the scholarly things and I have no desire to ever leave the pacific northwest EVER AGAIN (kidding but not kidding). As of this writing, I don’t have a single plane ticket booked to anywhere. If you’ve been on this journey with me a while, you know that my life has consisted of so much travel it could make a person’s head spin off.

Finding my footing

The first week I was here, I kept waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I felt some kind of internal pressure to make sure it’s as wonderful here as I thought before we made the leap to move.

During the second week here, I felt a shift in my body— an exhale. I feel like I’m really home and I can’t believe it. A wave of calm has washed over me and it’s lovely. It feels like my heart is rested and can just create without attachment. Shane and I are sleeping amazingly, and we have a wonderful little routine happening. I go to the co-op for groceries almost daily, and already had a shamanic reiki session in a little basement of an old victorian hotel.

Connected to our front yard, there are 15 miles of walking and biking trails through the forest, and along the sea. I find myself walking there in silence, completely enamored by the world around me. I’ve so far seen a snake (it was dead), a gorgeous blond and white coyote, many deer, varieties of caterpillars, and plants straight out of Avatar.

I sometimes I walk the trails without shoes on, and sometimes I make the walks a fast paced workout. I wake up thinking about when I’ll go on my walk, or my forest bath, as I call them. MoMo is pretty obsessed with the walking trails too.


The calling

Last night, the movers arrived with our belongings while we were hosting another couple for dinner.

While they were unloading our belongings into a storage shed on our property, it hit me that we really did it. Although it felt like the search may never cease, it happened. We found it. We now know that we are home. At least for now 😉

I think for some of us, we get a calling from deep within to search the world with our hearts and find land that feels like home. It can feel like we’re going to extreme lengths, and others may not understand the journey, but we must keep going. It’s so worth it in the end.

An ongoing project…

I have been working on my book every single day at our local beautiful coffee shop, and boy does it really have a mind of its own. What I thought would just be a quick e-book has evolved into 30,000 words and counting. In moving here, I have found so much availability inside myself to serve others. It’s my true calling to be of service, and I am very grateful for the time I’ve had to write my heart out. I believe that when work pours out of us, we are just the vessel for the creative process. I’m honored to be the vessel from which this book emerges.

Although I’ve majorly cut back on taking clients and producing content as I write this book, I have just opened two spaces for my 8-week teaching/mentorship container. I’ve recently adapted the investment and my container to reflect current times. If you’re interested in working with me, please send me an e-mail at info@shewolflauren.com. I’d love to hear what kind of support you’re searching for.

What I’m currently reading: 

I admittedly didn’t read as much as I would have liked to this month, but I did read The Ugly Duckling and began reading a story called The Secret Garden that my grandmother gifted to me on my 1st birthday in 1993. I remember her reading it to me as a little girl. I wanted to stay up all night listening to her voice as she verbalized the writing.

I’m about 60% finished with Love in a Time of Broken Heart by Benig Mauger. The text gets deeper into inner marriage and Jungian psychology regarding the anima and animus. I am enjoying learning very much.

These are books in progress:
Ensouling Language by Stephen Buhner
Loving What Is by Byron Katie

What I’m thinking about:

The sacred has been on my mind a lot. What is it? How do we feel it? How do we bring it with us into the bedroom?

My work for many years was more about the mechanics of sex and sexuality (check out my blog for those articles). While I enjoyed writing those topics then, I’m now more interested in discussing the sacred aspects of sex. I’m more interested on how to be pristinely present in our bodies.

Regarding sex as a sacred act has the potential to transform our lives in ways I previously was unaware of.

I really enjoyed all of my sexual escapades in my 20s, but now that I’ve had a taste of sex that touches the depths of my soul, I see it as my duty to learn, write, and teach about it.

How beautiful to be able to transform through pleasure. It’s a yes from me!

My book will have lots of conversation about sacred sexuality and the divine. I can’t wait to share it with you… Send me good writing energy so I can finish this thing! Woohoo!


Before I go,

I was speaking with one of my clients on Thursday about these love letters and how good they’ve been for me. I’ve always been a journaler, but never a monthly summary kind of person.

I think it’s pretty easy to forget how many things we’re doing in our lives because we’re often comparing our lives with the lives we see on the internet.

I highly recommend jotting down a monthly summary of what you’ve done and what came up for you at the end or beginning of the month.

I know that in years to come, I will treasure having these monthly love letters so I can remember where I was at this point in my life.

Our lives are human history and I think there’s something romantic about that.

In gratitude,

If you’ve made it all the way here, I thank you so much for reading. It means more to me than I’ll ever be able to express that you care enough about what I have to say to open these e-mails and read them all the way through.

As always, I love receiving your e-mail and dm responses to my love letters.

I am wishing you and yours the very best and hope we have the chance to connect in person some day.

~

I love you,

-Lauren


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