HOW TO BE CONFIDENT AF

Hi! I am having one of the best weeks of my life and it’s only MONDAY! What a treat. WHAT A TREAT!

Okay, this past week, I had this massive ass revelation that I can say, without a doubt, changed my life forever. I shared with you last week why I’m choosing to not have sex right now, and I was overwhelmed with the amount of positive feedback on that entry. Ya’ll rock. It’s also refreshing to hear how many others are taking some time to figure out their shit before engaging with other people’s genitals for a while. LOVE THAT FOR YOU SWEETIE.

So here we are… It’s been another week of no sex, and while yes, I’m horny and craving some D, I’m also feeling confident as fuck about some of my recent life decisions, and that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Every time I put up a Q&A on my IG stories, I get several questions about how to be confident in and out of the bedroom. While I believe that true confidence is a culmination of a lot of deep work, we all need a starting place. You are likely confident in certain parts of your life, and not so confident in other ways. In today’s post, I’m giving you three powerhouse ways to boost your overall confidence. It’s a starter pack for winners. These are things I truly do on a daily basis and I can confidently (see what I did there?) say that these practices have helped me feel more confident than I have been in my whole life. Ready? Let’s go!

Number 1 has a quickish story associated with it: I once taught an accelerated summer session at a community college here in San Diego. I only had 13 students in the class and many of them identified with being painfully shy. This was a public speaking class, and many of them were self-conscious about their accents because they lived in Mexico and came across the border for school.

I read a study where people were called into a room with a stranger to answer a series of 36 questions. When the questions were over, the strangers were asked to hold eye contact with each other for several minutes. What happened was profound. The strangers reported feeling deeply connected to the stranger they had entered the room with. Many of them reported a feeling of love for the other.

This article made me cry, and I implemented an activity focused on 12 of the questions with every class I taught. With this small class of 13 students, however, I implemented the eye contact part into my teaching. With 2 minutes on the timer, we all sat in a circle and made eye contact with each other. When the 2 minutes were over, we rotated and made eye contact with the next person. We did this until each person in the class had made eye contact with everyone in the room.

The awkwardness, the emotions, the vulnerability, the depth was so intense. Once the initial awkward smiles and giggling wore off, many in the room cried (including me). For many of us, it was the first time ever holding eye contact for that long. It felt so difficult to be seen. To have someone really look into your soul.

But you know what else it felt? Liberating. Unifying. Invigorating. To see others and to be seen is a beautiful thing. It’s invaluable. It’s something no amount of money can provide you. No confidence, or college course can teach you how to connect like the power of eye contact can.

I’m so happy to share that after that day, the energy of that room changed. Students felt more confident and like they were just speaking to a classroom of their friends, although they had only known each other for a few days at that point. Watching that changed my life.

If you can’t already infer what I’m trying to say, here it is: #1 — > Make more eye contact. It will be awkward at first. It will feel like too much, but do it. With the ones you love, with the person helping you at 7/11. With your partner during hot ass sex. Humanizing others and engaging in human interactions will naturally make you feel more confident in and out of the bedroom. When we break it down, a lack of confidence is a lot about a fear of being seen. So, go see and be seen. Capeesh?

Number 2: Pull your fucking shoulders back. Do it right now, you hunched ass banana. Okay, that was aggressive, and I love bananas, but I’m serious! The way you carry yourself through the world matters. Leading with your heart out, and your head erect is a great start. There’s a super popular Ted Talk about how our minds shape our bodies and our bodies shape our minds. In it, Dr. Amy Cuddy argues for the importance of body posture. She breaks it down, and again, the science is pretty incredible. When we position our bodies in a particularly powerful way (power posing), our stress hormone (cortisol) decreases, and our leadership hormone (testosterone) gets a boost. Hello confidence! Yes please.

I implemented this in the classroom too and it was hilarious. Students walking around in power poses screaming “I am powerful” at each other. Hell yes. Without having to power pose before leaving your house everyday, just start by rolling your shoulders back, raising your chin a little bit, and entering the world (post pandemic) like the badass that you are. We’re not here for little meek mouses that present as invisible people with no opinions. No. When you walk into an experience, do it with some gusto for god sakes. This includes walking into a new sexual experience, or walking into an interview.

Number 3: This one is the most woohoo of the bunch, but I believe in it so deeply. For me, this practice has worked wonders. You already know how big of a fan I am of masturbating in the mirror, and if you need a guide on this, here you go.  What I haven’t talked about is the power a mirror has over our psyche in general. We so often look into it with a critical eye. Searching for ways to tear ourselves down. Not today, Jessica!

I believe that the practice of staring at yourself in the eyes, and saying kind words to yourself in the mirror is vital. I know it sounds RIDICULOUS but I stand by it. I encourage you to write sticky notes to yourself that say things like:

I am sexy.

I am confident.

I am powerful.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am worthy.

I love myself.

Once you write them, stick them to your mirror. AND THEN AFFIRM YOURSELF OUTLOUD while you look your gorgeous self in the eyes. Bonus points if you do this naked. Do this every single morning until you believe it. If you need to, write down in a journal how you feel along the way. Most of us do not speak kindly to ourselves and that’s an issue because we talk to ourselves more than we’ll ever talk to other humans.

Wow. I’m sounding academic AF today, but I really want you to read this book too. I come back to this book several times a year when I’m struggling with negative self talk, and it reminds me just how valuable kindness toward ourselves is. Written by Misaru Emoto, Hidden Messages in Water, shows images of frozen water crystals after they’ve been exposed to different phrases. Spoiler alert: The water crystals that were exposed the mean phrases like “I hate you”, or “You’re ugly” formed in an obviously incongruent and damaged way. The crystals that were exposed to words like “I love you” and “You’re beautiful,” formed beautiful, symmetrical crystals. The findings are fascinating and remarkably simple.

Needless to say, we are made up of mostly water. The way we talk to ourselves really fucking matters. I do not think extremely confident people are constantly beating up on themselves. You are the biggest fan you have. It’s time to start actually saying it out loud and changing your internal dialogue. Like, TODAY. Right this moment. It’s imperative.

The cool thing about changing your inner dialogue is that once you feel confidence in who you are, it’s a lot easier to weed out the people in your life that bring you down. It’s a lot easier to see through the bullshit because hi, hello, you’re already loving yourself so you’re not desperate for others to love you. It’s an exciting life hack.

It’s obvious that the more confident you are on the streets, the more confident you will be in the sheets. Sexual confidence cannot happen without just regular confidence. You’ve got this babes! Work on you, and you’ll be an unstoppable force during that 69 session! I’m rooting for you!  

Okay, I could (and likely will) write a book about this topic, but for now, start with those three. Tell me what you think after you’ve practiced them, and leave a comment below if you love what you’re reading here so far!

Please follow @shewolftalks on Instagram for a big announcement this week! Yay yay yay!

I love you! Thank you for being here. Xo -Lauren

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