I have had two of the most terrific weeks of my life back to back, and they both consisted of me being in my condo, with MoMo, working. It feels like I have really stepped into my purpose, and into my body. I feel very aligned with myself and like my heart, body, soul, and effort are coming together to create a turbo version of me. I’m so thankful for you being here with me.
My best friend and I have reconnected after two years of near silence, and she’s here visiting me. I’m so happy in my heart. While we’ve been talking and catching up, I’m realizing and appreciating all the complexities that make the human experience so robust. So raw. So beautiful. Sometimes, so dark.
I’m fascinated by the choices we as humans make. The choices we don’t make. How we end up doing what we do. How we choose who to go on dates with. Who to have sex with. Who to keep in touch with. Who to marry. To procreate with. To live with.
These questions rule my world. I love thinking about the holistic experience of what it means to be alive. I love discussing and thinking about how we live with ourselves, and the intimate internal dialogue we share with just us.
That’s what I’m writing to you about today. While I love talking about sex, and the complexities of that as a singular experience, we must take into consideration that our sex lives are just a part of our whole lives. It’s really hard sometimes to feel sexy, or to desire sex and connection if we’re feeling out of alignment with ourselves. Even harder if we’re being assholes to ourselves.
The past 5 years for me were kind of like an out of body experience, and because of that, so too was my sex life. Like my whole life, some parts were so great. Some parts were not so great, but the whole experience was life. And I’m grateful for all the moments. Now that I’m on the other side of that interesting fog, I’d like to share with you how I climbed out of a weird hole. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the most important thing I ever did was change the conversation I was having with myself. This change only took one moment. This change saved my life.
I’ll share with you my secret because I think this small action (nobody can see it), can change the world.
I went through a phase for about 2 years where I just subconsciously started talking shit to myself. Like, constantly. I had this script just running through my head of different mean things I’d say. Some of those phrases were:
You’re not a hard worker.
You don’t have the skills to be an entrepreneur.
You would look better if you were smaller.
Your time management is terrible.
You let people down.
If I was more mysterious, I’d be sexier.
I am too sexual.
My sexuality is shameful, and I should be more feminine.
And sadly, the list goes on.
I didn’t even realize how badly these phrases were affecting me until one day, I was meditating and it was kind of like I could see, in writing all these mean phrases I had been repeating to myself. I made the decision right then and there to change my internal dialogue. For all the people we talk to in the world, there is NOBODY that you talk to more than you talk to yourself.
Imagine going on a walk with your best friend and just repeating mean and hurtful phrases to them like you do to yourself. Nobody would stick around for that shit. You must change your internal dialogue if you want to have a great relationship with your best friend, you.
Changing the way you speak to yourself will fundamentally change the way you live your life, will improve your relationships with others, and will improve your love life without question. Here’s what to do:
FIRST: Notice
In order to change your internal dialogue, you must first recognize what your internal dialogue even is. Most of us don’t even notice how mean we are to ourselves because it’s our subconscious mind talking to us. We’re just on autopilot tearing ourselves down when we’re walking, talking, driving, elevator-ing. Showering. HAVING SEX. I mentioned what some of my messages were above, and I’m sure you have them too. They’re different for everyone.
The messages are just chilling in our minds and they pop up persistently, without rhyme or reason. These messages have attached themselves to us over time. From the media. From “loved” ones. From personal experiences. From anywhere. But they stick, and we have to get them the fuck away from us. They’re mean and we deserve better.
Take notice of when they pop up. Who they pop up around. Where they pop up.
SECOND: Write
After you’ve identified what the messages are, it’s time to write them down. You need to visibly see what you’re saying to yourself on a minute-by-minute basis. This is going to hurt and feel like shit, but please do it. I promise that eventually, if you follow this, you won’t identify with those horrible phrases any more.
If it helps you to write down when the messages are more pervasive, who they’re more pervasive around, or where they’re most prevalent, you can do that too.
When I wrote mind down, I was so surprised by how many mean phrases I had in my head about myself. I HADN’T even noticed and I was TEACHING COMMUNICATION at the time. Our communication with ourselves matters so damn much.
Third: Change
Now that you’ve identified and written down the who, what, where, when, why of the terrible shit you say to yourself, you can start to heal it. You’ve already come so far, and I’m really proud of you.
For me, I chose one new phrase at first to exchange with the mean phrases. Instead, for example, of saying “I am too big,” I would say, “I love you.” Suddenly I was saying “I love you” to myself about 150 times a day. When I realized how much I was saying this, I cried. Because it meant that I had been mean to myself for so long.
At first, saying “I love you” to myself all the time felt so strange. I didn’t really believe it. I didn’t really feel it. But then, something beautiful happened. I started believing it. I started to FEEL IT. I love you the phrase turned into I love you the action.
I have now expanded the phrases I say to myself to quite and extensive list and I toggle between them depending on my mood. Sometimes, I’ll took myself dead in the eyeballs, usually while butt-ass naked, in the mirror and repeat a these affirmations to myself.
Obviously, I’ve changed my actions around this as well. But I can confidently say that changing the conversation I had with myself changed my life forever. It’s so simple. It took one minute. Anyone can adopt this practice. Today. RIGHT NOW.
These are phrases that I repeat to myself on a VERY regular basis. And I live by them like they’re doctrine. I want to get many of them tattooed on me, but then my body would be full of quotes and IDK. We’ll see.
These do not belong to me. Please use them and adopt them willy nilly. There can never be too many affirmation floating around in the world. Share them with your friends. Say them to your kids. Write them in a journal. Once you start having kinder conversations with yourself, you will begin to do the same with others. Again, I believe kind language toward ourselves and others has the power to change the world.
Repeat after me. Audibly, please.
I am not my past.
I am in control of the way I react to any situation.
I have the power to heal.
I deserve to feel happy.
I TRUST THE TIMING OF MY LIFE.
What’s meant for me will not pass me by.
I am love.
I am light.
I deserve pleasure.
I am whole and beautiful the way I am.
I am worthy of love.
I TRUST MYSELF.
I take ownership of my actions.
I can improve.
I am beautiful the way I am.
I can change.
I get to decide how I want to live my life.
My voice matters.
I SPEAK MY TRUTH.
My truth is not the only truth.
My intuition is my best friend.
I have thrived through every adversity so far. I’ll continue to do so.
I learn from every new experience.
I go for it.
I live ONCE as this version of myself.
I am alive.
I matter.
And the list goes on forever. *Bonus* write some of these on your mirrors and repeat them when you see them.
FOURTH: Rip
When you’re feeling ready, I want you to rip the piece of paper that has the mean phrases on it into a million pieces. Either burn the little paper in a bonfire, or repurpose the little pieces for a confetti party. Whichever version of destruction you decide, actually do it. Thank the phrases for being your teachers, and then RIP THOSE PIECES OF SHIT UP.
Whew. What a relief. I did this exercise in a workshop before the pandemic situation and it was very powerful. The ripping. You don’t have to keep phrases in your life that no longer serve you. You get to choose. You’re the driver, baby.
I hope this blog finds you well today. I believe in you. I love you.
xo -Lauren
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