KISS & TELL: A SEX Q&A

Hello you beautiful people! I am so grateful today to be here and to be writing to you. I’m currently in Florida with my dad, step mom, sister, and brother-in-law. It feels weird to be across the country during this pandemic, but I’m being as safe as I possibly can be.

It’s a weird time in the world, but I think 2020 has brought a ton of light and truth and change to so many. I hope you’re able to find gratitude for what you do have this week as we approach Thanksgiving. One thing I know for sure, is I am incredibly grateful for you, my readers. My learners. My awesome ass wolf-pack. Hell yes! THANK YOU for being here!

Last week I asked you to submit questions for today’s blog post and YOU DID NOT DISSAPOINT. I got so many great ones and will have to do a part 2 because there’s no way I could get to them all.

If you have more personal questions or want some guidance, I am now available for private calls. Sometimes, we have sexual questions, but don’t know who to ask or what to do. I’m here for you, and would love to help you get through whatever you’re struggling with. Book a call here.

Let’s get into these juicy questions today!

What do I do when I have a high libido and my boyfriend’s is low?

Sister, I FEEL YOU. I have always had higher sex drive than my partners, and have navigated this. I’ve been in situations where I feel a little weird or like there’s something wrong with me because “men are supposed to want more sex than women” or at least that’s what we’re taught. That simply isn’t always the case!

Here are several things you can do:

1. First, think about what sex with your partner does for you. Are you wanting it more just because you’re physically horny? Or maybe it makes you feel emotionally connected to him? Maybe you prioritize pleasure over other things? Once you’re more aware of your needs, it’s easier to articulate to your partner.

2. Have an open and honest conversation with him about what you’re wanting and why. See if you can come up with some kind of solution where you meet in the middle on frequency. I’d suggest saving this conversation for a neutral time. For example, if you initiate sex and your partner turns you down, don’t have the conversation on the spot. Maybe save it for breakfast the next morning when you’ve taken the time to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.

3. If you have a really high libido, and if you aren’t already, start masturbating. If you have more orgasms, you’ll likely be a little less horny for sex with your partner specifically. Maybe ask your partner if he’ll touch you, or finger you, or kiss you, while you get yourself off. It doesn’t just have to be sex with them. 

Frequency of sex in your relationship is as important as you perceive it to be. For some couples, it’s not vital. For others, it is. If you have a very high sex drive, and your partner isn’t willing to work with you on it, you have to decide for yourself if that’s something you can come to terms with.

Can you explain squirting? Is it really just pee?

I LOVE this question. There seems to be a national obsession with squirting right now, and I’m here for it.

Here’s the answer: Squirting is kind of pee and it kind of isn’t! How exciting! The liquid is a confusing surprise, just like the act itself.

We’ll refer to the liquid as squirt. Squirt is a liquid, typically clear in color and watery in consistency and void in odor, that is released by a woman’s urethra during penetrative pleasure. Although the liquid does come from the urethra, it is mostly made up of a liquid from the female prostate with just a hint of the components that make up urine.

According to Healthline, squirt comes from the Skene’s glands, or “the female prostate.” They’re located on the front wall of the vagina, surrounding the urethra. They each contain openings that can release ejaculate.

The research in this area is relatively new and super exciting!

How do you feel about foot fetish?

I feel great about foot fetishes! I feel great about all fetishes! Here’s the thing: a fetish is something that certain people really need. I need to drink a lot of water to stay hydrated. Herbert needs to see feet to become aroused . Would you judge me for my water consumption need? No. Should we judge Herbert for his sexual foot need? No.

Fetishes are often misunderstood as just something someone likes in a sexual setting that might be abnormal. That is more of a kink. Fetishes are a sexual act or experience or physical object that a person MUST have to become aroused and enjoy sex.

Kink is a term often used in a similar way to fetish, but it is different. A kink can add to sexual experience but are not vital for sexual arousal or orgasm.

Are threesomes okay?

I am a huge fan of threesomes, and YES. They’re okay.

I’ll say this as many times as I need to: Anything* you desire sexually IS OKAY. You are okay. Sexual fantasies and desires are normal. You’re doing great sweetie.

*any time I’m talking about sexual fantasies, I aim to normalize them. If, however, you have fantasies that, if acted out, would be nonconsensual, then see a therapist, and DO NOT act on them.

Here’s the trick to awesome threesomes: Communication with the other sexual partners. What do you want to experience? What is okay for you and your partner? I just wrote a post about a recent threesome I had, and it has the outline of an entire pre-sex conversation and how you can do it too!

Can open relationships really work? My boyfriend is hesitant and we don’t know how it would work.

Can they work? Yes. Do I think open relationships are for everyone? No.

In order for open relationships to work, a LOT of authentic, honest communication is required. Being in a relationship already requires a lot of honest communication. Now add your partner wanting to have sex with your neighbor and telling you the truth about their desire. If this makes you sick, I would hold off until the idea of this isn’t as raw.

Open relationships are challenging in a really liberating way. You can, and do, tell your partner things that you’ve been ashamed to say in every other relationship.

It works when you already have a strong foundation in your relationship. If you feel like you already have great communication, and like adding communication about other people will enhance your relationship, then absolutely try it!

If it helps put you at ease, remember:

1. You can always close your relationship up again if it isn’t feeling right, and readjust.

2. You probably are going to have some experiences that aren’t great, and some that are amazing. You talk about them, and get through them, just like you do about other things in your relationship! You’ve got this.

3. You might not love being open but you might also LOVE IT! If you’re already curious and want to try, it might bring such a fun element to your life. #NoRagrets

I don’t think that I’d be able to be in a traditionally monogamous relationship ever again. I need some kind of openness because it’s more about the communication for me than it is about the sex part.

Friends with benefits experience, advice, opinions?

Alright, we’re on shaky ground here. I’ve often seen FWB happen because one person wants to commit and the other doesn’t, so FWB happens and then it’s a mess for reasons you can imagine. One person ends up having expectations and wanting more, and then boom. Confusing heartbreak city. It’s a situationship and not a relationship and then drama. No bueno.

I am going to flat out give you my opinion: I think friends with benefits can be successful under very few circumstances.

The first, if you two really don’t have feelings or each other, and you’ve (surprise) COMMUNICATED about this, I think this could work. Clear expectations and being ethical will help you steer clear from developing romantic feelings.

Second, if you’re involved in the alternative lifestyle community and you are fulfilling each others’ needs. A dom/sub experience for example.

I’m sure there are other ways this can work, but I’m drawing a blank.

Would you be into pegging? Assuming you haven’t tried it?

I am pretty sexually curious. Although I have not tried pegging, I do think I’ll eventually have experience with this.

Role playing ideas and how to bring it up with your partner?

There are so many different ways you can get creative with role-playing! I know you can be creative and do this. I’d suggest saying “Babe, I want to dress up for you and try out the idea I have. It will be so fun!” Or something that just says what you want and how you feel. I also go straight for what I’m hoping for though.

Curious to learn about sexual rape fantasies. How normal are they? Is it a worry?

I don’t know how normal these are, but I do know they’re valid and very real. I’ve talked to women who have overcome their sexual trauma by acting out a rape scene and reprogrammed it in a pleasure filled way for themselves. Just like elements of BDSM, there is exhilaration in things we aren’t supposed to want or things we aren’t supposed to feel. Like pain for instance. Or being aggressively pursued. Or being in fear.

If this is something that you’re wanting, I’d just make sure that you trust the person/people that you’re wanting to act this out with. Set clear boundaries, and know you can change your mind at any moment, and that’s valid.

How to not feel slutty after a one-night stand?

Have you ever heard of a man feeling slutty after a one night stand? I doubt it. Remember that your pleasure and your experiences sexually don’t make you any way. They just make you sexual. Cool. So are all humans.

If you notice that one night stands aren’t fulfilling you, or like you’re having more than you want to, take a step back, analyze the situation, maybe take a tiny sex hiatus, and focus on yourself until you’re feeling more like you want to.

Okay folks, I LOVE YA’ll! I am going to have a piña coolada on my dad’s pool deck and then watch a movie with the family. I hope you enjoyed this. Maybe I do this once a month? What do you think? If you have more questions, leave them in the comments! I’m putting them in a question vault and will try to eventually get to all of them.

As always, I am SO grateful to have you all here with me. Writing to you is my passion, and helping you become more sexually confident drives me in a way most things don’t.

Xoxo

-Lauren

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