This was written on April 1, 2023 from Jackson Hole, Wyoming as part of my Love Letter series.
I’ve decided to slowly share the love letters here on my blog. If you’d like to receive these letters straight to your inbox and in real time, Subscribe here.
————————–
April 1, 2023
Happy April to my beautiful wolfpack. I’m hoping so deeply that you’re doing well and that you’re finding love for yourself and for others.
I am writing to you (a few days tardy) from a beautiful hotel room in Jackson Hole after getting out of a hot spring we accidentally found off the Snake River. I also saw my first moose today! She was so curled up so adorably in the snow.
When I last wrote, I was in our precious cabin in Lilliwaup, Washington. We were exactly one month into our stay, and I had had a revelation about distancing myself from social media and moving to New York to pursue a life in the limelight.
Our second month in Washington was very different from the first. I felt like I was participating in a month-long hero dose mushroom trip. I really lost track of time and space and—of myself. I performed at my first ever comedy Open Mic Night in Seattle, spent more time in nature than I ever had before, visited my bestie in San Francisco, and found places inside me that were very painful and beautiful all at once.
I have done a LOT of internal healing work with psychedelics, and can’t imagine where my life would be without them.* About 7 months ago, however, I got this tug to remain completely in my body. No caffein, no stimulants, no drinking, no psychoactive anything. Just me, my mind, and my body.
*I recorded a podcast episode about my experiences with psychedelics. Listen here.
As it turns out, a heavy dose of nature, solitude, and quiet was just as powerful as psychedelics for me. I mean WOW! So much came up and out. During this month long journey into myself, I spent time in the rain, touching the moss, watching bald eagles, talking to the moon, doing hours of breathwork and meditation, stretching my body, taking baths, reading, singing, crying, exploring, and laughing. Oh! Shane introduced me to Seinfeld (why I had never watched it before, I don’t know). I became obsessed with it, and it gave me a much-needed comedic reprieve in the solitary wilderness.
Washington feels like home…
Ultimately, during our second month, I fell in love with the Western Washington Peninsula. I fell even deeper in love with Shane (how that’s possible, I’m unsure). I met parts of myself that really scared me. Parts of me that wanted to sabotage and destroy. Parts of me that were still so hurt from wounds of my past.
Held by the giant wise trees, and the dark night sky, and the dew covered grass, and the sounds of the frogs and the birds and the rain, I was encouraged to crack and face these powerful parts of me. This place in the forest was a living womb. It was gooey and warm and safe and nurturing. And the labor process was painful.
And it was perfect.
I know all of this may sound vague, and you’re like… “but what are you talking about? What happened?”
I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes, our lives come together in this perfect way to teach us and show us and guide us toward what’s true. Sometimes these teachings are gentle and kind. Sometimes they’re ruthless. And sometimes they’re both.
I live for the moments when the softness and the grit get to hug.
March 2023 was that for me. I got to sink deeper into my softness by facing and embracing my shadows.
It feels so good to be soft. To round out my edges. To smile at younger parts of myself that grew tough to protect me.
Plans have changed
I also realized that while I love visiting the city and harnessing that intoxicating energy, I do my best work in nature and being some kind of nomad. I like the fringes of society. I want to keep exploring this nature drenched existence.
It’s a humbling and kind of embarrassing pill to swallow as I made a big announcement about moving to the Big Apple, and now I’m writing to you like… “Never mind! That wasn’t it!” Honestly though, that is the real me. If you spoke to anyone who knows me well, they’d tell you that my whereabouts are the opposite of dependable. I might be coming; I might not be. I might be going; I might not be. I might be buying a home; I might be immediately selling it. Luckily, I somehow found a man that rides that same train. Score!
The older I get (30 lol) the more I realize that I truly have no idea what life has in store for me. The more I realize that I have no idea what life has in store for me, the more in awe of life I get to be. I like it here in this lane. It’s an adventure to say the least. My work is to ground down through it.
Let’s not take life so seriously
If you take anything from my writing today, it’s to not take life so seriously. Try things, abandon them. Hold on to certain things if it feels good. Make some mistakes. Evolve. And for God sakes, hold out for a romantic partner that really sees you. Do your own internal work so you can call in your divine counterpart. So you can sit across the dinner table from a person that you worship. And so they look across the table with the same adoration. Who we choose to live our lives with really matters. I don’t know who I would be without Shane Hanner. I hope to never find out.
On March 30, our time in Washington at our special womb cabin had come to an end. We cried as we drove down our rain-forested driveway in pursuit of our next adventure. We left there as different versions of ourselves. We needed that time—just the two of us—with poor cell service and even poorer wi-fi, to feel parts of ourselves we forgot we could feel. It was magic.
Shane wrote a beautiful piece about his pre-dawn mornings getting into the freezing waters of Hood Canal. He so elegantly captured what it meant for him to re-wild over the last two months. If you’d like to read his words, click here.
Okay, so now we’re in Jackson Hole, Wyoming hanging out with moose and soaking in hot springs. Montana for April and May was the plan, and then we arrived there, and we decided it was no longer the plan.
We set back out on the road, and are now conjuring up our next few months. A month long road trip stopping wherever we please? Vanlife? Bali? Spirit journey in the desert? Buying land in Washington? All of the above? Who knows!
I do know that I’m committed to really living this life, and it feels good in my soul to just fumble through it and keep you abreast once a month. Have I mentioned that I’m really grateful you’re here reading this?
Writing and podcasting are a go!
I’ve never been more inspired to write. I have been putting in so many hours toward my first e-book. I’m taking you, my wolfpack, on a journey into the depths of sexual embodiment. What I thought was going to be a brief guide, has turned into so much more. I can’t wait to share it with you. p.s. If you know of a publisher that might be interested in my work, reply to this e-mail!
With glee, Camille and I are cranking out episodes of our podcast, The Den Mothers. Join us there for the latest and greatest on Sex, Self-Love, and Awakening.
What I’m currently reading:
I’m finally nearing the end of No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz. I can say with confidence that his work is remarkable. He helps the reader understand that although we walk around thinking we are a “mono-self”, we are actually an accumulation of countless selves. These selves, or parts, can dictate the trajectory of our lives in ways we don’t even realize. No Bad Parts guides the reader toward gently uncovering and relieving these different parts so we can integrate them into our whole. Schwartz work is the foundation for the Internal Family Systems therapeutic framework. I cannot recommend this text highly enough. It has changed my life.
I’m still working through these babies on rotation:
Ensouling Language by Stephen Buhner
Loving What Is by Byron Katie
What I’m thinking about:
Nature. I’m thinking a lot about nature and what it means to be intertwined with our natural world. As our population grows and places gentrify, I’m feeling more and more drawn to growing my own food, having acres of private land, and breathing in fresh, delicious air. I also like fashion and adorable coffee shops, and other people’s faces.
I think we forget that we are nature because we’re able to drive our Teslas and live in our condos and that feels very different from a rhinoceros living his best life. But when it comes down to it, we’re not that much different from other animals. Intellectually maybe, cellularly, not so much.
It feels like the more we grow our relationship with the outdoors, the more nourished our bodies, minds, and souls feel. This means thinking about the foods we eat, the media we consume, what we teach our children, where we spend the majority of our time, how we move our bodies.
What’s your relationship with nature like? Have you become a bit too domesticated? What could you do to spend more time away from it all?
Before I go,
Spring has sprung!
I’ve always really loved the fall, but this year, I’m having a special appreciation for spring. Everything is coming back to life, the rose bushes are budding, and baby animals are being born! It’s wonderful. If you are living in land that has seasons, I encourage you to go outside and look at the plants that are opening up once more. Listen to the birds chirping. Notice the snow melting. Breathe in the fresh air.
I also really appreciate a good Spring Cleaning. Go through your space and get rid of crap that you don’t need, that you haven’t worn for a year, or that you just don’t like anymore. Sage your place, and welcome in new fresh energy!
Okay, I love you! It’s time for me to go snow-shoeing. What a blast.
Ou! Ou! Ouuu!
-Lauren
